January 13, 2011


The Babysitter

"I don’t tell fairy tales much." "Please? Just this once? Mommy always tells me fairy tales before I go to bed.” "I didn’t birth you, so I don’t think those rules apply to me." "C’mon, just this once. Please?” "Did you hear the one about the princess and the frog?" "Yeah. It’s a Disney movie." "Nothing is original these days. Fine. There was this—" "NO! You have to start with, ‘once upon a time’…" "FINE. ONCE UPON A TIME there was this princess who had really shitty taste in men. I mean, like, forget shining armor, these dudes were lucky if they had a frickin’ pair of clean boxers. There were no white horses, no roses, no jewelry, no surprise spontaneous serenading and choreographed dancing, no boom boxes under windows…nothing that every single movie or story themed at girls that you will watch or hear for the next 25 years of your life have. Because that is not real life. That is a fairy tale. And in fairy tales, Prince Charming does not give you herpes. Because as our princess found out, it’s really hard to sleep with a lot of douches and not contract something that makes you itch where you just shouldn’t. And while he lives happily ever after, spreading his gen-hep-2 to the rest of the female population stunned enough to have sex with him, she did not." "…you don’t ever need to tell me a fairy tale again." "I warned you. And so you know, Valtrex can only do so much, and stay away from artists. They’re like, the power-hungry magicians of the not-fairy-tale world. You’ll never be able to find that pair of underwear again. Under their bed is a black hole, and a genie. And your three orgasms were his three wishes, tricking you into feeding, clothing, and blowing that sad little excuse for a Jackson Pollock." "Goodnight! GOODNIGHT!" "Goodnight, sweetie. Sleep tight."

XOXO

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Creative Fiction Conversations Writing

January 15, 2011


Spelling your name with these would be AWESOME.
Think about it.
XOXO

Spelling your name with these would be AWESOME.

Think about it.

XOXO

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Writing Letters Because It Just Feels Good

January 17, 2011


January 18, 2011


January 28, 2011


I eat the words in galloping gulps, as fervently as a fish sucks in the water around itself. This is the stuff my life is made of, a dissembled alphabet strung back together again in random and beautiful sequence. Nouns and verbs and adjectives and never, ever truly the same.

To me, you are the greatest novel. I want to read you, to flip open your pages and expose the stories within to my hungry eyes. Voracious.

XOXO

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Writing To Be A Writer Words

January 29, 2011


So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays.

John Keating, Dead Poet’s Society (via paulavaleria)

(Source: newsbanks)

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Writing Words Men Women

January 31, 2011


This used to be the life…
…and it still is, minus the smoking.
XOXO

This used to be the life…

…and it still is, minus the smoking.

XOXO

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Being A Writer Carrie Bradshaw Sex and the City Writing Smoking

February 7, 2011


Bringing Sexy Back

Work and play overlapped in a way I didn’t see coming yesterday that left me feeling a little shook not only about how my job and interests bleed into my personal life, as well as how “comfortable” isn’t always a good thing in a relationship, despite the connotations of warmth, bliss, and utter lethargy. The conversation that started it all (lightly edited for content, clarity, and privacy,) is as follows:

He: ”My friend who you met at ____ has been in one of they’re videos.”

Me: ”Really? And yo’ grammar. It’s outta control.”

He: ”You can bug me about it, but I don’t give a shit.”

Me: ”Good grammar is sexy.”

He: ”If I thought I still had to make sure I was being “sexy” for you online then I would, but I REALLY don’t feel obligated to go back over every sentence I type right now, especially since I’m doing a couple things at the moment.”

Me: ”Real romance never dies. Proof-read so I can think more about jumping your bones and less about proper usage.”

I work in a writing center, and I’m a professional writer. I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the English language (and occasionally, other languages, so holla to you, French and Italian), and it’s something that’s obviously important to me. The guy I’m seeing knows this. It’s no secret to him that I decided to give him a chance after he used the word “microcosm” in a comment on my Facebook wall— he literally had me at “the world in miniature.” Which is why it was such a bummer for me to see the wrong “their/they’re/there” in something he typed— when he was still working on winning me over and wooing me, everything he wrote to me was flawlessly edited for maximum correctness, and if he slipped, he’d immediately correct it. He knew I have a hard-on about grammar, so he put the time in to make it all look appealing. It meant a lot. To me, good grammar is sexy. Words are sexy. Which brought up the question today— At what time is it ok for the sexy to stop? Is it ever really ok?

Granted, it’s hard not to feel comfortable with someone when they’re leaving their clothing, their beer, some food, and have a toothbrush in your apartment, but I would hope that someone would always want to be sexy for me, regardless if we’ve been together for two months, or two decades. No one likes to admit when sexy changes from something that you do inherently as a means to an end (getting laid), to something that falls by the wayside because you’re now comfortable with someone (and now getting laid regularly). As Carrie said in “The Drought”— “There’s a moment in every relationship where romance gives way to reality.” And it blows. But does it have to? Does the sexy really ever have to stop?

True, it’s a lot of work to maintain, but that’s what makes a relationship go from “work” to “magical.” So what if you have to spend a few more minutes proof-reading something? I’m not going anywhere. And so what if you’ve woken up next to me with sex-hair, or seen me in the shower with mascara running all down my cheeks? Just because I’m comfortable enough with someone that they’ve seen me looking pretty bad doesn’t mean I still don’t bust hump applying make-up, choosing the right outfit, and doing my hair for a good hour before I see them, still. Right now, it’s still all smooth legs and thongs. But what if I decided I was comfortable, and let the romance die? What if I stopped shaving my legs regularly and started wearing more cotton full-coverage bikini underwear? I’m pretty sure there’d be some protests, if not some full-on Egypt-scale riots. Because really, those are two things I definitely DON’T do to keep it sexy for him. And both take more time and effort than using spell check does.

I don’t mean to come off as griping, and I think at this point, we all know I consider myself a very lucky girl, but I just think that this example illustrates the differences in men’ and women’s ways of thinking better than nearly anything else. To me, the romance, the effort, the spark (if you will,) in a relationship is really important…nearly as important as the good grammar I get paid to look for. If that means that I’m going to have to put in a little more work to keep things fresh and exciting and sexy, then yes, I’m going to do it. To me, comfort is letting you use my laptop without hovering over your shoulder paranoid you’re going to go through my search history, or leaving you the keys to my apartment, not burping in front of you and occasionally being caught wearing something from Vickie’s cotton college dorm-wear PINK line instead their Sexy Little Things collection. So no…no, I don’t think it’s ever ok to think that comfort with someone equals the fact that they’re a sure thing and let the sexy slip away, because if grammar is the first thing to go, it begs the question of what the next thing to slack will be. The sexy needs to be nurtured, in moments like the Hollywood Kiss that took me by surprise one random night when he grabbed me and dipped me for a kiss (in the Top 3 Most Romantic Moments Of My Life, for sure), or when you spontaneously reach for the whipped cream in the supermarket or the new pair of underwear he’s never seen before, or that random moment at 2 AM last night when he texted me, just to say “hi” and ask how I was doing. The sexy is what takes a relationship from normal to fireworks, and you best believe that I’m a fireworks kind of gal. I love fireworks. Almost as much as I love the Oxford comma.

XOXO

—-

- Excerpted from SATCG

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SATCG Relationships Couples Don't Forget The Sexy! Writing Words Working Girl

March 4, 2011


I literally told the guy I’m seeing that he had me after using the word “microcosm” correctly in a sentence early on in our chats, and continuing to correct typos and use the right there/their/they’re. He knew it was the way to my heart, or, at least, into my pants. Over 4th grade reading comprehension skills? Hi, I’ll date you. I’m easy for a good vocabulary.
XOXO

I literally told the guy I’m seeing that he had me after using the word “microcosm” correctly in a sentence early on in our chats, and continuing to correct typos and use the right there/their/they’re. He knew it was the way to my heart, or, at least, into my pants. Over 4th grade reading comprehension skills? Hi, I’ll date you. I’m easy for a good vocabulary.

XOXO

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Writing Words Grammar Nazi I Work In A Writing Center

April 8, 2011


As we’ve all probably noted by now, I’ve got a little bit of an entrepreneurial bend…mostly because I’m always strapped for cash. So it should be no surprise that I’ve just come up with my latest money-making endeavor, namely— breeding my cat.

Yeah, I know, this seems like a terrible idea, but let me count the ways in which choosing to breed my Nicco (that’s Nicolai La Citta to those breeders of you out there who like a nice, long, and impressive show name,) to your little lady-cat would actually be an awesome decision:

- As evidenced by the photos above, he has a sterling disposition. Hand-raised by me since he was a month old, Nicco’s got a really go-with-the-flow personality. You can literally do anything with this cat— hold him upside-down, toss him, perch him on your shoulder like a parrot, force-cuddle him…scratching and biting don’t come naturally to him, so the chance of having mailable kittens is pretty good.

- He’s highly personable and interactive. Unlike most cats, he won’t run and hide, and in fact, is exceptionally needy. He craves human interaction and is always up in your biznazz, wanting to be included in things. (In many aspects, he’s very much like a dog.) He’s always the life of our parties, greeting everyone and crawling into laps. In fact, the only person he’s ever not truly enjoyed was the guy I’ve been seeing…Nicco’s kingly enough to assume that he should be the only man sleeping in my bed.

- Our vet tells us he’s partially Siamese, which accounts for the fact that he’s highly talkative. If you mimic his meows and yowls back to him, he’ll engage you in a full-on conversation. He’s got a diverse and interesting variety of vocal noises, from a roll in the back of his throat like an old-fashioned telephone ring, to a high-pitched yelp he makes while yawning.

- Born of humble beginnings, his highly distinctive coat markings really stand out. His brown base-coat is accented with heavy and dark black tiger stripes, and silver tips. The fur on his belly has a unique “snow leopard print” with round rosettes…something I’ve never seen on any other domestic short-hair tiger. 

- While I’ve watched him run into walls, he’s also intelligent enough to know several voice commands, and a few tricks. Hopefully, his highly teachable mindset would be passed down to his offspring.

- Nicco’s best friends are the neighbor’s dogs, and he’ll play with them as if he’s one of them. (He’s a brave little dude.) He’s interacted with lady-cats before, and is DEFINITELY looking for some springtime lovin’, if his crying at the front door lately is of any indication. An indoor cat strictly, Nicco is pampered, exercised, and in prime condition, with not an ounce of fat, and sharp senses. 

- Weighing in at roughly 7 pounds, Nicco is fully-grown and in healthy weight, yet is what we refer to as a “miniature cat.” He and his mother are the same size, and his father (a longhair, so that may give some recessive longhair traits to his offspring,) isn’t much larger. This is the perfect size cat for apartment living, or for children, since “minature cats” look exactly like a fully-grown, regular size cat, but are on a child’s size scale.

- While I am not promising anything, here, I am allergic to cats with high dander concentration, and I’ve never gotten so much as a sniffle from Nicco, not even when he used to sleep on my head as a kitten. (He really did.) 

$$$ While no cat is really “free”— believe me, I got Nicco for free, and $600 worth of vet bills later to have him vaccinated, checked out, hydrated, and tested, he’s now my "Manolo Cat"— and adopting a kitten from the shelter or vet’s can cost anywhere from $25 to $100, and purebreds from breeders can cost from $500 up to $1,000, why don’t you decide to breed with Nicco, get the looks, attitude, and vocal chords of a really fun pet, and only spend $150 for stud fees, on guarantee of live young? That’s a STEAL for such a package! $$$

So now that I’ve convinced all y’all that not only am I very, VERY bored, but also a crazy young cat woman, tell me— if you had a lady cat and wanted kittens, would you bite for my little stud-muffin? 

XOXO

….In all seriousness, now, how’s THAT for an example of creative/technical writing and the sort of sample a writer can just whip the fuck up? See, you can write about ANYTHING.

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Cats Nicco Hilarious Writing Jokes Breed Your Cat Catwoman

April 19, 2011


Thesis. 34 pages. DONE.

Abstract: 

An exploration of the differences between the communication styles, biological tendencies, and thinking that make men and women different than each other in the quest for a common language inside of the topics of sex, love, and relationships to better the understanding of our personal, intimate relationships.

XOXO

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Life College Thesis Writing Sex Love Relationships Miss Communication

May 16, 2011


The second time my face has been in print. It still weirds me out as much as seeing it for the first time did. You can read the rest of the article at http://bit.ly/kyjVVa .
XOXO

The second time my face has been in print. It still weirds me out as much as seeing it for the first time did. You can read the rest of the article at http://bit.ly/kyjVVa .

XOXO

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Life Professional Life Vermont Commons Magazine Politics Writing Working Girl

May 22, 2011


Graduating Professional Writing Class of 2011.
My hair looks DAYUM good.
XOXO

Graduating Professional Writing Class of 2011.

My hair looks DAYUM good.

XOXO

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Life College Graduation Friends Professors Professional Life Writing La Mia Faccia Hair

June 12, 2011