The Oddest Thing She's Ever Said

April 3, 2011

Dear Ex-Boyfriend:

I’m so glad you liked your belated Christmas gift that you totally didn’t deserve, yet I was still forced to give to you as I had presents for your two roommates, as well.

However, waking up and seeing that you’re wearing it in a video posted on Facebook…

…Makes me feel a little oogey.

XOXO

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The Ex-Files Facebook Ugh

April 6, 2011

I find it absolutely hilARious when overly cynical little hipster girls under the age of 20 get asked all sorts of disgustingly pornographic things on Tumblr after they post overly-promiscuous, world-weary shit or (gasp!) nudes of themselves, or the obligatory “tight-fitting shirt with no bra” pic. Because seeing a waif of a (not-to-mention JAILBAIT) thing with itty-bitty titties is what we’re all on here for, right?

…I mean, I thought that was just me.

The thought of this tiny little 17 year old thing in her size-2 custom cut-off shorts, bearing her midriff and painting the eyeliner on heavy, twisting her (asymmetrically cut) hair around her finger while looking at the screen and being like, “Alaskan Pipeline? Whaaaa…?” before going to Urban Dictionary and looking it up and being like, “OHMYGOD, PERV!” and taking a moment to compose herself to answer it with something droll and sarcastic like, “Oh yeah, all the time. I’m just such a big fan of all of Sarah Palin’s work,”…that thought, and the fact that people obviously go out of their way to set these girls up like that…just BLOWS. MY. MIND.

Get back to me after you’ve moved out of home, leased an apartment, DON’T regularly post conversations you have with your parents, and have a few relationships with decent men in which (legal) bar-hopping and regular sleep-overs in said leased apartment are a part of your life, along with part-time paychecks that never quite cover the utilities, major college papers, and his passing gas and his toothbrush resting up against yours.

Ugh.

While we’re on this note, however, I am personally SHOCKED that I have never been on the receiving end of such anon (or otherwise) messages, considering my frequent content matter and openness. …This is NOT an invitation to start. I think the closest I’ve ever come were the Russian phone sex operators who would leave me cute broken English comments about how much they liked the fact I was speaking out, along with a link to their BDSM site, on SATCG. I deleted them, but those eager little messages from women who pretend to wield whips and chains all day really made me cherish them. Awww…

…See? I may be a bitch, but I’m not quite so jaded.

XOXO

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Jailbait Ugh SATCG Hilarious Hate The Biddies Ask Me Innuendo

May 2, 2011

I have become a willing part of one of those disgusting couples who always has their arms around each other and kisses sweetly (not skankily) in public. The other night, he took me stargazing in the country, complete with a blanket to lay on. Yesterday, it was a rugby game, because I’d never seen one. Today, we bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate me passing all my classes (which means I’ll actually graduate on time, albeit with some D’s, but after this semester brought to you by hell and my prescription pharmacy, who really gives a flying fuck— that’s right, not me!). He’s 6’3”. I’m all of 5’3’. Now, you do the math and tell me how ridiculously adorable we are when out in public.

This kid. THIS KID.

XOXO

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Dating Relationships Couples Disgustingly Cute Ugh

May 28, 2011

Writer’s block just made me clean this damn condo.

Words, I’d really appreciate you back in my life right about now.

XOXO

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Vermont Commons Magazine Procrastination Apartments Ugh Professional Life

June 19, 2011

Great Future Memoir Titles:

Things I Should Not Have Eaten.

My life.

Ugh.

XOXO

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Life Food Thank God For Metabolism Ugh HUNGRY NO LONGER

July 10, 2011

This is the second time in 3 days the kitten has got out to go find some wildlife lovin’.

The first time, he got in a fight. Now both he and my original tomcat who lives with my parents have tattered left ears. He thinks he’s quite dashing now and a BAMF.

The second time, I think he found a girlfriend. There best be no baby daddy drama whenever-a-cat’s-gestation-period-is from now. Uhhhhh uh. I’m not saying jack about kitten paternity until Maury comes back with the results.

Ergo, this is also the second time in 3 days I’ve had a heart attack and near meltdown.

Why must we love. Ugh.

XOXO

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Life Nicco Cats Animals Love Ugh

July 13, 2011

‎”Contact” and “con tact” are two completely different things, and yet, I think my misspelling was more appropriate, given the situation and context in which it was used. Happy accidents.

XOXO

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Life Ugh wtf. Words

July 17, 2011

Life:

When you call four or five people and only one of them answers.

XOXO

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Life Phones Friends Ugh

July 19, 2011

Lesson of the Night:

“Remine me not to drink from stranger s pipes.”

XOXO

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Life Life Lessons Ugh Bad Life Decisions Bad Habits Glassware

August 2, 2011

I had a legit hipster moment today while I was in the car with Melissa when “The Cave” by Mumford & Sons came on and she commented on how much she liked the song.

My response?

“I’ve been listening to them for like, over a year and a half, while I was Italy. Before they were cool.”

Someone, hand me a pair of Ray Bans, a pack of American Spirits, and a can of PBR and shoot me now, please. I am too judgemental for my own, hipster good.

XOXO

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Kill The Hipsters Life Melissa Music Ugh I Hate Myself In This Moment