The Oddest Thing She's Ever Said

Also…

Electronics stores: Great places to scam free internet access from because my phone is such a complete piece of shit it’s web browser won’t load Tumblr. 

Remind me about this neat little loophole next time I have to wait 15,347,289 years for Comcast to come and install internet someplace.

XOXO

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Aaaaaaand The Mountain Man Calls It Splits-ville.

Having someone tell you you’re not the (or their) marrying kind when all you want to do is get married is the worst kind of soul-crush.

…Especially when you have a short-list of gowns and the centerpieces and guest favors for your hypothetical future wedding already picked out.

……This blows. I adored him and now I’m getting “I think I’m ghosting. It’s nothing personal but I’m not going to marry you and that’s what I’m looking for now. You are a really awesome chick and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise; I hope we can be friends sometime. I’m sorry if this is shitty,” song and dance. Right after he joint-invite “we”d me to a party 5 days ago, helped me carry my things to my car in the morning after the best sex of my life, and said “see you soon!” with enthusiasm.

What the fuck happened.

Probably, that other girl he met on OkStupid right after me. Surprise, my sixth-sense is telling me.

Single and deciding to go on (almost) every date I’m asked on from here out. No time wasted. Genuine dating, waiting at least 3-5 dates to have sex, cohabitation, then Vera Wang or BUST.

(EDIT: To be clear, I’m not saying I had the centerpieces for Mountain Man and my hypothetical wedding already picked out; HELL NO. I’m just saying as someone who is into the idea of getting married so much so that I already have the centerpiece idea picked out, this is particularly upsetting to be told something in the marriage equation is missing.)

XOXO

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I have seriously been dating for over 7 years and I have only done the breaking-up once. It was my first relationship, too.

Since then, worst of luck.

And here since HIS problem had always been the being-broken-up-with-out-of-the-blue thing, too, I thought I might actually have a chance to avoid the suck.

NOPE.

XOXO

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The Case For Suspending Marriage Thoughts While Dating, or Why Jeff Buckley’s “Last Goodbye” Is Forever Ruined For Me.

I think the thing that’s being hardest for me to grasp and get over is the fact that I feel like Mountain Man never really gave me an honest-to-God chance. 

This little foray has absolutely cemented my belief that the first few months of dating should be all about getting to know someone, and NOT trying to decide if they’re marriage material or not. Normally, it’s the woman that society blames for rushing into the marriage trap, and I definitely have been guilty of this in the past. C’mon, ladies, you know what I mean— you’ve got an agenda (Vera Wang in the next 3 years or bust!) and instantly after (or worse, during) a first date, you find yourself wondering, “Is he The One? Could I marry him?” You basically fuck yourself over because instead of getting to know the real quirks of someone— He sleeps with socks on. He’s devoutly atheist. He’s not all that close to his parents.— you start trying to imagine the rest of your life together…before you even really know what that life would entail.

I am possibly one of the first women ever who can tell you that when you’re on the flip-side of this phenomenon— when YOU’RE the one asking all the “getting to know the Real You” questions and are censoring any thoughts on matrimonial bliss until at least Month 3 even though that’s what you’re really looking for to focus on the real potential there instead, and THE GUY is the one jumping the gun on the whole “I’m going/not going to spend the rest of my life with you” schtick a few dates in, it’s really crushing. I mean, really? From one bona-fide date and a few evenings spent together you think you have figured out who I am and if you could marry me? Wow, that really sucks. I mean, if someone thinks they’ve got my number within 45 days, I’m obviously really slacking on the whole intrigue thing. I mean, I feel kind of insulted that someone can think after only a month and a half of knowing me (that, by the way, is 6 dates/evenings spent together and 5 sleepovers/Morning Afters,) that they think they know me well enough to decide if I’m marriage material or not.

That is just…that’s HARSH.

I believe two people who are both looking for the same thing out of a relationship should definitely be able to give it more time to let it naturally evolve and flourish. Here I was, the one asking all the “What are you most proud of? What are you least proud of? What’s your favorite thing to cook? What’s your favorite Journey song? Star Wars, or Star Trek? What were you like in high school? How do you like to spend summer nights? Are you a city or country person? Where have you traveled or lived? Where do you want to go next? How do you take your coffee?” questions, and I don’t think he really ever even asked me how much cream and sugar I take. I mean, for chrissake, I met HIS friends; he never met mine. I always went to HIS place; he never saw how I live. I was just judged based on two parties, one real date, a few evenings in, and what I liked in bed. And that’s not fair, to either him OR me. Who knows what little compatibility things or genuine moments we missed out on, because he was fixating on age difference rather than life experiences, and I was playing it cool and slow instead of saying, “I am a Serious Person and I am serious about my relationships and what I want and where do you see this going?”

Here are all the things he never bothered to ask or find out, and yet I think are the most important things about myself that any potential partner should know about me:

• I sang in select choruses for over 10 years of my life, and have a really bitchin’ alto voice. I sing best to blues or smoky jazz, and I’ve been told hearing me sing Fiona Apple is a life-altering experience. I sing a lot— when I’m happy, when I’m sad, always in the car, when I’m washing dishes, while I’m cleaning. You can’t NOT know this about me. It’s like taking a huge part of who I am— the music in my soul— and deciding to ignore it. It paints an incomplete picture of me, and one without music, which let’s just face it, sucks.

• I read by candlelight every night before I go to bed. It’s my “me” time, and I really, really need/cherish it. Also going hand-in-hand with this, I’m a night owl and do my best creative work/vibing/writing between the hours of 11 PM and 2 AM. I do NOT like to be asleep then.

• I’m artistic. I draw, I paint, I collage, I sculpt. I’m equally comfortable slapping paint, wax, and found objects onto a canvas and sketching a live nude. My favorite medium is oil pastels, and I am part of a drawing class that is my get-away-from-everything Zen time. My own artwork has decorated my bedroom and apartment walls for the last 5 years.
  
  
• I hate doing the dishes. To the extent that I will possibly trade sexual favors for someone else to do them. However, if I AM going to have to do them, I do them late at night, shirtless, plugged into my iPod and scrubbing in time with the music.
  
  
• I grew up dancing, and still dance, especially when restless. Previous boyfriends have had to learn that if they wake up alone in bed during the night and I’m missing, I’m probably turning pirouettes in the living room, which means I’m thinking deeply about something.
  
  
• I want to be married within the next 3-5 years, tops. I may or may not have a stack of bridal magazines, dog-eared and well-marked up hidden away in a drawer…which means I definitely DO.
  
  
• I love to travel. I also really like living in the city. Conversely, if I don’t get summertime spent driving aimlessly through Vermont valleys, listening to good music from the ’90s with my feet stuck out the window in the breeze, life is ruined. Bonus points if the trip can end with skinny-dipping at a secret swimming hole. I am entirely comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of my life in Vermont with my partner…as long as he’s comfortable with the idea I may keep an apartment or sublet in New York or Boston for business and city-escape purposes.
  
  
• I can scrape grout, paint walls, dry-lock a cracked cement wall, and re-do the design of the interior of a house with the best of them. I actually really enjoy those sort of projects. I’m handy, and not afraid to get my hands involved.
   
• I have a lucky number, and am slightly superstitious. I can mend cuts with household plants, forage for supplements for dinner, load a rifle, and change a tire. I can pair a wine to nearly any meal, and tell you the best way to either warm it, chill it, or taste it. I can run and drive a standard car in 5 inch heels, but I also prefer starting to go barefoot as soon as the weather warms up to build my calluses. I can rattle off the name of twenty haute-couture fashion off the top of my head and tell you what their signature pieces are, but I’m also perfectly comfortable in men’s shirts and no pants. I have a “thing” with socks and view them with extreme distaste. I can answer nearly any and all questions about grammer, art history, Europe’s royal families of the last 500 years, horses, women’s and men’s psychology about love and sex and relationships and the biological drives behind them, and pop-culture references.
• I can’t wear watches or use any of the sensor-tricked bathroom appliances that are in like, airports. The sinks and dispensers don’t read me.
• When I get mad, I get silent and clench my jaw. Just look for the twitching muscle. If I cry, I’ll go take a shower to do so so you can’t see or hear the tears. I love driving and I know I’m an excellent driver, but when we’re together I’d prefer if you drive. I don’t create body-heat, and I hate cuddling, but every night, you’ll probably wake up to find me glued to your side. Cherish this. This is the only cuddle you’re getting willingly.
   
• I’m my best self when I’m living with someone I’m in a relationship in. I cook. I clean. I create fun activities for us to do. I make sure the sex doesn’t get staid. I force us out of the house and onto the hiking trails or into downtown lounges when things start to get stuck in a rut. I’m exceptionally attune to the other person’s needs and attitudes. I work on open communication. I’m more responsible. I’m a happier, more mature, settled, well-rounded person. In short, I’m the “me” I wish all potential relationship candidates got to see.
  
  
• I’m most proud of going to and living in Italy on my own. I’m least proud of the fact I allowed myself to be abused in my first relationship, and then again in Italy. Steak is probably my favorite thing to cook, because it always comes out exactly the same, perfect way for me, followed closely by risotto because of the same results. ‘Wheel In The Sky’ is my favorite Journey song. I’m a Star Wars fan, all the way. I was a drama jock in high school, started out as picked on and unpopular, and then found my voice and became outspoken. My favorite way to spend a summer night is out on a porch with a beer, a bowl, good music, and company, just shooting the shit, possibly going for a bare-foot moonlit walk down the road afterwards. I’m a country girl who loves cities and their non-stop activity and culture. I’ve traveled around the U.S, into Montreal; to the Virgin Islands; through London, Ireland, and Italy. I want to see Egypt, the Amazon, the Taj Mahal and Tibet and Nepal. I want to stay in a Buddhist monastery for awhile and learn how to really meditate and center myself. I take my sugar with a little cream and coffee.

Obviously, all of this takes more than a month and a half to figure out. Hence, here is my proclamation that I am never passing martial judgement on a man ever again before Month 3, and am SO GLAD that I kept my online dating profiles active and was actively still meeting other men even while Mountain Man and I were seeing each other. Let this be a lesson to all of you, man and woman alike— Do yourself and everyone else you date a favor, and put the wedding plans on hold in your mind for at least 90 days when getting to know someone. If you really like someone you’re dating, if you’re having fun with them and getting along well, just give it time before you jump to any sort of conclusion. You never know who you’ll really end up finding or what you’ll find out when you’ve been dating two months in, or even after moving in together. Be smart, save the judgement passing for then. And in the meantime, commit to REALLY getting to know all of someone’s quirks and personality ups and downs, for both them, and yourself. Here I am, at the end of dating another person who I was genuinely trying to build something with, and I’m forced to wonder…what does he really know or think he knows about me? Not a fun place to be in.

XOXO

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I was about to make a really catty remark about how it’s a good thing Ryan Gosling is dating Eva Mendes, because it can’t go on for much longer, judging by her past performance as the Girlfriend Of A Few Short Months. (See: Bradley Cooper.) 

Then I remembered my own dating history and that maybe Ms. Mendes and I both need to evaluate why our relationships only ever last a couple of months and that people in glass houses of relationship angst shouldn’t throw stones.

…I hate when I can’t be hypocritical.

XOXO

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Flip The Script: Why Feminism Inside Of Dating Needs To Keep On Keeping On.

Here’s what I find so disgusting and unfair about dating: When was the last time two people slept together on the first date, or second date, or relatively shortly after meeting, and the WOMAN thought, “I don’t know…he slept with me pretty quick. Maybe there’s something wrong with him. Maybe he’s a slut. Maybe he’s more booty-call material than relationship material.”

…

That’s right. NEVER. 

See, women are preconditioned to realize that men have pretty strong libidos. If we sleep with a guy within the first three times we meet/go out with him, society tells us that we should have “waited” if we wanted a real relationship from it, not just a hook-up. It’s OUR fault for wanting and having sex with him if he never calls again, or only starts asking us to come over past 10 PM. It’s not the guy’s fault for pressuring us, awakening our OWN sex drive, and being generally sexy and someone whose D we want to S. Men are conditioned to believe that they can have sex on THEIR sex drive’s terms, and if it happens early, then there’s something “easy” or “non-serious” about the woman. And women? We have to “wait,” or become just a booty-call.

Why should we have to wait to be taken seriously? Why is MY libido a less-serious, more slutty thing than a man’s? My dream man is someone who realizes I am JUST as much, if not MORE of a sexual being than he is, that I have needs, and enjoy having sex with a good partner, and doesn’t judge me and my potential capabilities as a girlfriend, wife, or mother for this. Until then, I’ll sleep with who I want to, when I want to, and hope one day that a man realizes he can make a day-time 5th, 15th, or 155th date with me in advance and know that the sex life will continue, just as hot as it was the first time on our first or second date.

Here’s hoping. In the meantime, why don’t you bring this issue up with your friends, both male and female, and your partners or dates? It’s not going to change unless people start talking about it and confronting our gender and sexual injustice more. I want to be judged for my personality, not my sexuality.

XOXO

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I want Indian food, a lightly toasted blueberry bagel, chocolate pudding, a man who lives in the same state, and this PMS to go away.

XOXO

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The most mature, productive, enlightening text I’ve ever sent:

“Long distance is hard and it sucks.”

Ugh. Some cheese for my whine, please. And possibly a plane ticket.

XOXO

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I have no sex life, so I bake. Tonight is S’more Cookie Bars.

Tomorrow is Monogamy Marshmallows.

XOXO

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Tragic Story Of My Love-Life: 23 Year Old Female Victim Still Hasn’t Learned Lesson.

Whelp, the man who made marriage look appealing to me is dating someone else now. Tragic story of my love-life.

What have I learned from this?

1.) If you’re trying to make long distance work for you, BE PRESENT. Skype and iPhone’s Face-to-Face are your very good friends. Don’t just fall into the texting rut. Being able to see and hear each other reaffirms the fact that there is actually someone out there who you are into.

2.) The early bird catches the worm. Or, in more sexy, relationship-friendly words, the person who actually steps up and says “Yo, relationship?” is the one who gets into one.

3.) OPEN. COMMUNICATION. Maybe if I hadn’t sat on the news that I was moving out to MN for THREE MONTHS (stupid; all my own fault; I know, I know; I’m a coward,) this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if I had actually said, “Hey, I’m coming back out in November again” when the plans were made LAST MONTH it would have given me more wiggle-room and more time. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. Here I was so worried about chasing him away or changing things between us by making things a little more serious that I was keeping mum, and all the while, he’s considering getting serious and exclusive…with someone else. Miss Communication strikes again.

4.) Keeping on meeting other people and casually dating even if you’ve met someone who makes you want to put a ring on it is a smart idea, at least until you’re exclusive. See, now because I didn’t delete my OkC profile or stop making friends at work means I don’t have to start over at Square One, having to actually go out and find and meet new guys. I already actually know some nice guys. So schmacht.

5.) Stay friends? Or, in the words I coined back in high school because I’ve always been a slightly jaded, precocious kid, “Girlfriends come and go.” If you genuinely like each other enough to still want to hang out and be friends, do so. If you want to start casually seeing someone else to fill the time while you keep tabs, whatever. If/when their current relationship ends, you’ll be right there and know about it to be able to decide if you want to try for Round 2 or not.

…I can rationalize this situation all I want, but this shit still blows.

XOXO

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