The Oddest Thing She's Ever Said

I Was BORN To Cohab.

The Dude got out of the shower this morning, and I had brought his hoodie, hat, and toiletry bag up from downstairs and laid them out on the bed for him.

Winning since 1989.

…the only time is sucks is late at night, when I’m torn between staying up and writing or being one of those people who always go to bed together. Both are important to me, and a consensus on which will win out has yet to be reached.

XOXO

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“You realize that there’s green sprinkled all over the Tibetan Book of the Dead? That’s like sprinkling it all over The Bible.”

When a Catholic boy from Lawng Islahd and a hippie girl from Vermont attract.

XOXO

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Wifey Status:

(WI-fee stat-us) Adjective. Definition: A young, unmarried female who wakes up at 6 AM with her partner so she can cook him a breakfast of eggs and bacon, help him pack for work, and provides him with a snack, tissues, and cold medications so that he can feel better, all while being told she doesn’t need to do any of this and should go back to bed. She does it all anyway, because she likes to. Anthropological Note: The term “wifey status”, used most often in Ebonics slang, derives from the fact that the person the term is being used to describe would make an excellent wife for a man.

XOXO

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I had the first kiss of my life this morning where time literally stood still.

Literally. stood. still.

Disney, eat yer heart out.

XOXO

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The Dude dropped the GF bomb on me the other night while out at dinner with my parents.

I nearly choked on my spicy tuna roll.

XOXO

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The Dude may or may not have just gotten out of a stint of being hosted at our fine state’s correctional facility, and I may or may not communicate with him by leaving love notes and Honey-Do lists on the back of the Monopoly “get out of jail free” and “go straight to jail; do not pass go, do not collect $200” game cards. 

Sometimes I can be really, really clever, and really, really witty and sweet at the same time.

…It’s also a good thing he also shares the same sense of humor with me.

XOXO

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Why Hard-Ass Men With Soft Sides Rock My World:

1.) You know how when you’re sleeping with someone, if they roll over or make a dramatic shift during the night, you kind of wake up halfway, just because the bed moves or you have to stop leaning against them or something? While The Dude was living with me, one night, he and his restless leg syndrome decided to move from the edge of the bed to the middle, pulling me up into semi-consciousness, and just before I drifted back off to sleep, I felt him press a kiss to my forehead. I think I managed to think, “Adorable,” right before I fell back to sleep and dreams about working with Steve Carell at McDonald’s.

2.) One of my lovely coworkers so kindly passed on a killer cold to me about three weeks ago, which I’m finally getting over, albeit with a nose that still runs like a faucet. Sharing the love, I passed it on to my mom and The Dude, who now both look and sound like utter shit. Today he met me at the mall during my break so we could run some errands and grab a bite to eat (me) and some cigarettes (him) together. After he walked me back to the store and we were saying goodbye, he looked down at me and said, “I’d really like to kiss you goodbye, but I don’t want to keep swapping this cold back and forth,” and then leaned down, kissed my cheek, and nuzzled me.

Died. Right there. Right in front of all my coworkers with a stupid grin on my face. The teasing I endured for the next two hours was totally worth it, though.

XOXO

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You know that feeling that you get in your stomach, that little hitch and then drop— the one that feels like you left it somewhere fifty or so feet behind you— that you get every time you kiss someone you just started seeing?

Yup.

There was this moment today that by all rights and purposes should have been awkward when he leaned over across the car’s center console, and I thought he was going in for a kiss on the cheek, like yesterday, but then at the very last second caught his glance down at my lips, realized where his were going to land, and managed to turn the hand that had previously been destined to go over his back for a hug to sweetly cup his face and…

Butterflies. Clouds and clouds and thousands of butterflies.

XOXO

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I just got a text from this guy who was present for The Dude’s and my second date that said, “I know that you’re dating (The Dude) but I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me sometime?”

…really. Really? I think you have your answer all ready right there, sir.

I mean, I definitely commended him for his bravery and initiative going out on that limb and was kind about turning him down, but from a girl’s perspective, that’s a pretty shifty thing to do. That’s like saying, “Hey, I think your judgement in men sucks and that I’m a far better candidate for you than the person you like and have chosen for yourself!”

It COULD theoretically work, if you happened to be the Best Man on Earth or Ryan Gosling, but when you’re a random dude from the bar…not so much. I’ll pass, thanks.

Especially considering the fact that I compared you and The Dude to Steve Carell and Mark Wahlberg in “Date Night,” and The Dude was most definitely Marky Mark.

XOXO

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These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things:

The long, gentle, and blossomingly possessive sweep of a man’s hand down your back, over your body, across your curves that so sweetly is the first unspoken profession of wanting to know and share an understanding and ownership of your form with you, at least if only partially at first. 

Rise up under his touch to meet him; press against him in acknowledgement.

—-

I got a totally unasked-for back massage last night, and this was what resulted. If I’m ever hired on as a contributing authors, impromptu massages obviously have to happen more often. Or, in my mother’s words of explaining The Dude to people who haven’t yet had the distinct experience of meeting him, “He has the BIGGEST hands!”

…Truth. One of his hands > my lower back.

XOXO

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I found myself at one of my favorite greasy spoon diner-dives this morning, sitting across the Formica table from The Dude on a puffy booth cushion, looking from him to a plate full of messy, messy wings and back to him again.

He was making a massive hangover look fashionable. I had wing sauce smeared across my cheek, which he so kindly pointed out to me.

They were some of the best wings I’d ever had, but after the third eaten painfully slowly by picking them apart piece by slowly excruciating piece, I put down the wing bone, and was forced to admit the defeat that they may not exactly be just-out-of-the-first-month-of-a-relationship food.

Later, in the privacy of the dingy back employee break room, I did nasty, nasty things to those wings and bleu-cheese dip the likes of which my coworkers looked horrified to stumble in upon and find, me gnawing on a bone, sauce and white dip up to my eyeballs and a slightly feral glint in my eye. It was like the ultimate torture for a closet fat kid in a size 4 dress that’s cut up to my clavicle, knowing they were back there, so close, so tortuously waited for.

For the first time in my life, I chose demureness and a man over my food. Oh shit. Baby’s growing up.

XOXO

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A few thoughts I had last night while laying in the dark, sucking on a candy cane, listening to “Electric Feel” on repeat, and masturbating:

1.) I don’t understand how anyone has a full-time job AND a functional relationship,

2.) Every happily-employed, successful adult I know in my field would probably tell me they had to toil away at first in their youth, too,

3.) I am surprisingly into S&M after I’ve been smoking,

4.) The Dude and I started dating in THE MOST strange way,

5.) Maybe I could pitch it as a sitcom like Raising Hope?,

6.) Oh my god, my horrible dating history could have led me to my career destiny. Hmmm…

7.) …Wow, The Dude’s physicality hits me just like a punch to the gut; it’s like magnets and Christmas trees when we kiss.

8.) Lookit all the pritty stars.

9.) Spaceships are cool.

—-

…Proof that women can multitask while orgasming. And this is why you should say no to drugs, kids, say no to drugs.

XOXO

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