February 22, 2011



“Oh my God, he’s online! Can he see me?”— Sex and the City, 4x06 - Baby, Talk is Cheap

This is STILL what I always feel like whenever someone’s icon pops up on chat or I feel like I just got caught in the act creepin’.
You can take the girl out of 1998, but you can’t take 1998 out of the girl.
XOXO

“Oh my God, he’s online! Can he see me?”

Sex and the City, 4x06 - Baby, Talk is Cheap

This is STILL what I always feel like whenever someone’s icon pops up on chat or I feel like I just got caught in the act creepin’.

You can take the girl out of 1998, but you can’t take 1998 out of the girl.

XOXO

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SATC Carrie Bradshaw Technologically Challenged Creepin'

February 9, 2012



My friend’s microwave stopped working about a week ago. Now it’s asking for a blood sacrifice.

Spontaneous laughter accompanied this post arriving on my dash. It’s damn near perfect.
XOXO

My friend’s microwave stopped working about a week ago. Now it’s asking for a blood sacrifice.

Spontaneous laughter accompanied this post arriving on my dash. It’s damn near perfect.

XOXO

(Source: yeahIsawiton)

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Hilarious Kids Stone Cold Killers what. Technologically Challenged

July 3, 2012


O-ing The Distance.

I had morning sex for nearly three hours this morning. It was awesome.

…With someone over 1,000 miles away.

Making long-distance my bitch, fuck yeah.

—-

I hope anyone interested in carrying things on with someone miles away knows that if there’s a will, there’s a way, and you can really make it work as long as you’re both into it, open-minded, and creative. If you’re skeptical, I mean, obviously, there is no Go-go-Gadget dick that can stretch that distance, but when you find what works for you (photos, sexting, Skyping, phone sex, writing each other fantasies, whatever,) and get into it together with open communication and a little imagination, just knowing what you’re doing for each other can be just as fantastic as if you were really there. Here are some pointers to get you on your way:

- If you’re shy, slide into it. Come straight-out and admit to the fact that you’re willing, but a little hesitant. The right person will hold your hand through it and give you the feed-back to let you know you’re not putting yourself out there without a safety net.

- If you’re thinking something hot, say (text, type) it, no matter how far-out, dirty, or embarrassing. Now is not the time to be obtuse and play your cards close to your chest. Now is the time to (literally/figuratively) bare your chest. They’re not in the same room as you are. They can’t read your body-language or face for context clues. I know sex usually doesn’t include much talking (unless you’re into dirty-talk or role-playing and those sort of things,) but think of it this way— you’re going to have to SAY what you’re thinking you’d like to be doing. If you’d normally just reach out and wrap your hand around his cock…well, you’re going to have to type that. Yes, it can be brutally frank and scary. But we’re all grown-ups, not Ana from 51 Shades of Avoiding The Word “Vagina” or “Pussy”…when in doubt, it’s cock or dick, tits, pussy, and ass. Those words are porn classics for a reason. Say it with me, “I want to be sucking your cock right now.” There. See that, those words in black and white? Looks a little taboo, right? Feels a little sexy to read, yeah? Now you’re getting it!

- Sending photos can be totally, completely soul-baring, not to mention other parts. So, gentlemen, please know that with INternal plumbing, it’s not quite as easy as your dick pics. There may be a lag in time, because it can take awhile to get the right photo. Ladies, soft lighting at night is best for photography— candlelight, mood lighting, anything with a red lamp shade. It may seem very boudoir-esque, but there’s a reason it worked in brothels for centuries…it’s flattering. Know which angles work best to make the most of your naked body’s shape. Find a camera with a 10-second timer. If you need, set the mood with some sexy music, and for fortitude, a glass of wine or a bowl. Whatever will make it work for you. He can hold his…um, horses…for a little bit, believe me. And afterward, delete the evidence, or store it somewhere VERY secure and safe. Possibly password-protected.

- Give each other a hand, even if you can’t REALLY give each other a hand. If there’s something you’d want him to do if he were there, ask him if he’d do it. If you really have a strong preference for where you blow your load, tell her that that’s where you want it. A lot of phone sex/sexting/Skyping is like playing Dirty Mad Libs and saying, “I want to (verb) your (noun)…if I were there, I’d (verb/adjective/noun/adverb)…while you’re (verbing), do ______,…I’m doing….” It’s not like erotica because it’s more action-based than description-based and all about immediacy (things you’re hypothetically doing or would like to be doing rightthissecond), but it’s like erotica in the fact that you’re taking the task to hand (literally) with your imagination to fill in the blanks.

- Giving feedback is MANDATORY. Otherwise, you’re going to feel like you’re out there on your own and your partner may have either died of laughter or ran to call the police. Things like “wow,” “mmmmm,” “I’m so hard/wet,” “that’s so sexy,” or “I love when you do that,” are the best way to show that you’re just as into it as they are, and make sure their confidence and ego get stroked while other things are, as well.

- And sometimes, you’ve just got to talk the leap, say it or write it, and hold your breath and hope that it works. Even if you don’t always hit the mark, the two of you should be able to find some sort of mutual common ground for what you’re into happening.

The goal, just like whenever having real, live sex, is to get you both turned on and then both get off. If you’re not there yet, make sure your partner knows that it’s not over for you, and coach them on what you need to get there. Ladies, some men are going to want to see or hear the kinds of things you think of as the by-products of a vibrator session, so you won’t exactly be solo anymore. Conversely, not all women appreciate a nice cock…for some, getting a photo would be a turn-off. (Let’s face it, alone, on their own, they’re kind of entertaining in a bizarre, hairless-anteater way. You have to REALLY like someone and their dick to get turned on by an erect one-eyes snake staring you down.) At the end of the day, if done well, a distance session can be just as physically and emotionally rewarding as real sex, and the best compliment you can get is sincerity. “I feel like we just had sex,” my LDL told me, and I did, too, bouncing around flushed and relaxed and thoroughly satisfied through the rest of my day. That feeling— the glow— is what you’re going for. It’s possible, even without a Go-go-Gadget penis.

Best of luck, long-distance lovers!

XOXO

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Long Distance Sex Sexting Advice Tips Tricks & Secrets Couples Relationships SATTG Twenty-Something Technologically Challenged

July 9, 2012


I hate nothing more than when someone touches my computer or puts my laptop screen down and because this behemoth is a piece of circa 1457 junk, it craps out and I lose the 27 random-but-totally-pertinent tabs I’m working with.

It ALWAYS HAPPENS IN THIS HOUSEHOLD.

I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE MY OWN PLACE.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO MAKE ANY HEADWAY WITH THE SOCIAL MEDIA CONSULTING IF YOU LITERALLY KEEP SHUTTING ME DOWN AND MAKING ME LOSE ALL OF MY TABS?!

Before you suggest it, this is beyond “favorite”ing tabs and pages. It is a complex, messy web that only I know how to operate, and I like it that way.

I want to bash my head against something. There is no way I can reclaim all those pages/tabs.

…that is the end of my rant. That is all.

XOXO

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Life Consulting Computers Rant Technologically Challenged Professional Life DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT RAWR

August 8, 2012


I know I have found the most amazing man in the world because he owns an iPhone and doesn’t have an Instagram account.

XOXO

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Technologically Challenged Phones Photography Kill The Hipsters Hilarious Twig Truth Adorable Men

August 29, 2012


When I finally replace my POS with an iPhone, I am only going to refer to Siri as Jarvis.

I don’t care what you think; I have my nerd pride.

…I also recently named my newest piece “Scarlett” because it’s dark glass with a spider web pattern, and it’s nowhere near bad-ass enough to call it the “Widowmaker,” and I hated the idea of calling it Natasha, so Scarlett it is.

I now own a Lucy, a Scarlett, and a Daisy.

…Apparently, I have a Marvel-themed brothel at my disposal.

XOXO

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Closet Nerd Comics Hilarious Glassware The Avengers Technologically Challenged

June 24, 2014


As you can tell by the resurrection of this blog, I recently came back to the Land of the Machines. It has Windows 8, and it’s a touch-screen laptop.

For those of you who don’t know, Windows 8 operates from a few different screens. There’s your common “desktop” screen, and there’s a “start” screen that has all your apps and programs on it, and then when you open a program from the “start screen,” that opens its OWN screen. You toggle between them all either using your mouse touch-pad— dragging from different corners and swiping— or you can do it on your touch-screen, if you have one.

It’s basically like those dual-monitor monster office set-ups, just all in one laptop. Multiple screens; but one screen. And you can throw them around on the main screen— make them small, make them larger, move them, etc. It’s cool, if you like technology, or, if you’re like me, you’re all, “Wait, how did I get to this screen? I didn’t click and drag! I just touched this one part of the mouse touch-pad and— oh…ohhh…ok. So that’s a functional. LOOK, LOOK AT ME GO WITH THIS NEW FUNCTION! I COULD DO THIS FOR DAYS— ok, this is now boring and redundant and I will curse out-loud every time I accidentally use this function, because it’s actually not intuitive at all.”

In short:

I wanted to name it Jarvis, but my iPhone is already Jarvis. #nerdproblems

XOXO

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Jarvis Computers Laptop Technologically Challenged Life Windows 8 Touch Screen Laptop Rise Of The Machines

June 27, 2014


Welcome to the first GIF I ever made. It was just on my 25th birthday. In my 400 thread-count sheets.
Kids, not everyone grew up GIFing. 
XOXO

Welcome to the first GIF I ever made. It was just on my 25th birthday. In my 400 thread-count sheets.

Kids, not everyone grew up GIFing. 

XOXO

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GIFs La Mia Faccia Twenty-Something Technologically Challenged Blue Eyes Make-Up Dat Brow Game Cat-eye Blonde Hair Pin-Up Body Pos Yes That Is A Boob Smile Girls In Glasses Girls With Glasses Eyes