The Oddest Thing She's Ever Said

Paish, I’ve got someone on the blog right now in New Zealand, and I think it’s you, so I just had to say (if it is— if not, hello, NZ!)…I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU SO SOON! I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and can’t wait to have you back here— I can ALWAYS use some more Patience in my life.

XOXO

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Life Friends Patience Excited!

I had a dream last night that there was a setting on a vibrator that said “patience.”

As in, you needed patience to use that setting.

I don’t which is more telling: That I had a dream which included a vibrator, or that I was downright PISSED that I needed patience for something.

My mind is an odd and unsettling place.

XOXO

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Sex Toys Dream Big Small Tadpole Patience Vibes what. This Is My Mind On Normal

iSpy Hot Illegal Immigrant Husbands: A Love Story.

Ok, bear with me for this one…

So, had a dream last night that I was at the airport, picking my friend Patience up because she was getting married, when this A-DOR-able, totally edible Irishman started chatting me up. We clicked, but by the time Paish’s bags came, it was time to leave, and I was pretty sure I’d never see him again.

Fast-forward a few days to the wedding, after my “boyfriend” who looks suspiciously like the Dude (same nose) (…I have a thing for a nice nose; I know, shut up,) tells me right after a half-assed sack session that he’s breaking up with me. I retort back by saying I hadn’t really come.

You know— fighting, woman-style.

Anyhoo, I’m now a dateless single girl at the wedding, looking forward to nothing other than stuffing my face with cake and binge-drinking too much champagne in my cute little pink dress when over the bridge (yes, there was a bridge,) I spot a bloke carrying the cake over, and he looks really familiar. After a bit of investigating (read: manhandling Patience away from her groom to grill her about her kitchen staff), we come across an iSpy (fucking LOVE the iSpys!) in the paper from a certain Irishman about finding a job in some kitchens and not wanting to seem like a stalker. He also references some weird mosaic floor tiles on the way down to the kitchen, which will make sense later. Patience relents and takes me down to the kitchens, even though we’re not supposed to be fraternizing with the help (very Downton Abbey and un-Paish, if you know her). On the way down, a red rose mosaic on the landing of the stairs tells me I’m heading in the right direction even before we get down to the kitchens and I fling myself at my future, pastry-cheffing, hottie husband. He is released from the kitchens, and we spend the rest of the wedding dancing the night away and shit.

Other than the fact I am not really this romantical in real life, this sounds like a perfect chick flick, doesn’t it. BOOM. I smell my next writing project.

Like P.S— I Love You, but with cake and without death.

Actually, after some major reflection, I’m pretty sure it was Daniel Craig, too.

I mean, who wouldn’t do a greencard marriage for that and a never-ending supply of pastries? And secondly, who wouldn’t want to see Bond in a romantic comedy? Amirite, or amirite?

XOXO

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Chick Flick Dream Big Small Tadpole Friends Hilarious Movies Patience Stone Foxes Wedding Writing Daniel Craig Babes