June 5, 2011


True old lady style: Cleaning the place while the man’s gone. +5 Gemma points.

Sons of Anarchy, you’ve taught me so much about keeping a household happy.

Only slight irony there.

XOXO

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June 6, 2011


Why I Have Achieved Old Lady Status:

  • Also...did you remember to bring a pair of shorts to sleep in?
  • Hehe, nooooooo.
  • I've got you covered. I'm bringing you those, We The Drowned, and your watch. You know...things you may need.
  • You're the best. I probably won't need the watch or the book though...
  • Just in case. And I don't even try. I was just emptying your hamper to put your dirty clothes in it when I realized I was looking at every pair of shorts you own. Which led to me thinking that you didn't bring a pair with you. ‎...This is vaguely pathetic that I know your hamper/closet contents so well already.
  • XOXO
  • Don't even try; you might hurt yourself trying to be this good.

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Things About Being The Best Girlfriend You Can Be That Nobody Ever Told You:

…Until now.

1.) Sometimes, guys get headaches, too. A night spent together without sleeping together is not a night wasted— it’s life. Just like you have “off” nights, men are allowed to have “off” nights and days, too. Don’t take it personally. Enjoy your night of restful sleep. And if you’re really torn up about it…there’s always the next morning.

2.) Nannying was a really useful summer job to have as far as a skill-set for relationships go. There is absolutely no harm in asking before leaving for a trip if your partner has remembered to pack the essentials: toothbrush, deodorant, underwear, something to sleep in, cell phone charger. If he has, great. If he has somehow overlooked an item or two in his packing, he’ll think you’re a godsend for remembering what he didn’t. It’s easy, too— just think about the things that are REALLY needed for a day or two away; while we may not be able to function without our trusty blowdryer, that’s the way he feels about his deodorant. And when in doubt, just as when I was SuperNanny I always had tissues in my back pockets and a big red Mary Poppins purse full of tricks, there are a few things to always carry in your purse to make your union even smoother: tissues, band aids, breath mints or gum, cough drops, a condom or two, and water. Toys to keep him occupied while you’re shopping optional.

3.) It’s ok to get mad. You have emotions, too. But realize that when you start to withhold affection because of something that you haven’t shared with him, you’re doing more to damage your relationship than to move past the anger. If you start withholding, he’ll start, because he has no clue what’s going on unless you tell him. 9 times out of 10, whatever ticked you off was one of your little personality quirks or pet-peeves, and he didn’t mean to do it, or doesn’t think it’s a big deal. You have one of two options: Address it with him, or move past it and let it go on your own. Your sour mood has the ability to affect not only you and your partner, but everyone else around you, too. I realized the other night that my tetchy mood after I felt like my significant other had been ignoring me in a social setting wasn’t only dragging down my night out; my bad mood and surly attitude was dragging down him and our friend from having a good time, too. It wasn’t fair to any of us, so in a quiet minute alone, I addressed it, we hugged it out, and the rest of our night was fabulous. A quick chat and a hug can repair far more than going an entire night or few days in a funk can.

4.) Let it go. Your past relationships are over, and shouldn’t affect your current one any more than your elementary school friends affected your college life. Sometimes, when my ex hadn’t shaved in awhile, he reminded me so much of my first boyfriend that I would get completely turned off. Other times in relationships, all the emotional bullshit and trust issues that the ex had put me through resurfaced, and undermined my current relationships, for no reason other than the fact that I was scared what happened to me in the past would happen again, just with another guy. If it’s over and done with, let it be over and done with. And if it’s still present, the best thing you can do for EVERYONE involved is to set boundaries. Twice now I’ve had my exes calling and/or texting me after the relationship ended, trying to get with me or see me. For the sake of my current relationships, I set very firm ground rules with them:
A.) Acknowledge the fact that you are in a new, committed, monogamous relationship.
B.) Let them know that while you appreciate their interest in seeing you and/or newfound desire to communicate, it’s not the ideal time at the moment because you have other, more pressing issues that need your attention. Like sleep, your job, or going back to date night.
C.) But tell them when it is acceptable. 4 AM is not acceptable; I’m not always alone at night, and I enjoy my beauty sleep. Be firm in telling them to keep their dialing to daylight hours.
D.) If they’re not being nice, DO assure them you will not put up with their bullshit any longer, because you’re not in a relationship anymore, and you don’t have to.
E.) If they are insistent about wanting to see you and talk, do it somewhere neutral, and in public, like a coffee shop or a city park. Having witnesses never hurt— someone would be bound to see them drag your body away.
F.) Be nice, but be firm. It never cost anyone anything to be civil; remember, at one time, this person meant the world to you. If you can’t at least be friendly and/or treat them like a friend, something’s wrong. If they need to leave you alone, tell them that. Though it’s flattering to hear that the ex wants you back, your priority now should be your new relationship, not your old ones.

5.) Everyone has a different bank account balance. Sometimes, what one partner can spend is different than what the other is capable of, and, as money is very fluid, sometimes that changes from person to person from month to month, or even from week to week. If you can’t be generous in your spending, be generous in other things, instead, like in your time or your effort in the relationship. I spend a lot of time at my significant other’s, so, to thank him for the nights we spend there and not at my place, I clean his house. It’s easy, it doesn’t take much time, but it speaks volumes that I value his space and his things as much as I do mine, and he appreciates it. If you’ve got a little cash, treating your boyfriend to drinks or late-night delivery is always a great “I appreciate you and like taking care of you” gesture. If you are absolutely tapped, a fun time out can be hard. However, it costs nothing to go to a local high school sports game and cuddle in the bleachers, or take a blanket and drive out into the country and go star-gazing. When in doubt, keep track of the things he mentions wanting or needing— they can be little, like a new pair of sunglasses for summer, or big, like a new bike or the special collector’s edition of his favorite TV show. When you DO have cash, referring back to your secret list of his desires will give you a shopping point to start from (great for birthdays, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day presents he’ll actually care about).

6.) Health issues aren’t embarrassing; they’re your body. If you can share your body in an intimate way, you should be able to talk openly and freely about why your period isn’t going to allow you to have sex for the next 5 days, why the Chinese you just ate is sending you running for the bathroom every 15 minutes, and what a UTI is and why you have one. Women pee, shit, barf, sneeze, fart and cough just like everyone else. A fart during sex isn’t the end of the world; please learn to either ignore it and move on like adults, or how to laugh it off together. A good girlfriend can talk about body issues and things relating: her birth control habits, because it’s important that he understands them, too; why a clean bathroom at his place with a trash can in it is needed; any body hang-ups she has and how they affect their sex life; and any outstanding health issues that he should be aware of— if someone needs to accompany you to your doctor visits and your parents aren’t in the area, guess who should pony up? While explaining your cycle to your guy may not exactly be like asking your best friend for a tampon, both are people who should understand you, your insides and out.

7.) All girls are taught that when a guy asks you what you want— for date night, for your birthday, for lunch— you should say “nothing” so that he thinks you’re a laid-back catch of a woman and values you more for that and ends up pulling out all the stops to make you happy. However, we’ve failed to take in the communication differences between men and women into account. When we tell a guy that we want “nothing” or that we “don’t want to do anything special,” he’s going to take you at face- and word-value, and you’ll be getting a whole lot of nothing instead of that whole lot of SOMETHING that you really wanted. And then guess who’s going to be the one sulking? Not him. He did EXACTLY what you told him to do. So, take it into account— while if you ask for nothing you’re bound to get nothing, if you ask for EVERYTHING, you’re also bound to get nothing. A nice dinner out is perfectly acceptable to ask for for your anniversary. An all-expenses-paid trip to the Taj Mahal is not. If you want the turkey club, or a dinner out, or that bracelet for your birthday, ASK. Don’t make him try to read your mind. He’ll appreciate your up-front-ness, and both of you will end up winning.

8.) Sometimes, when you ask him what he’s thinking while he’s staring at you with a goofy grin on his face, and he says “nothing,” what he really means is, “I’m honestly not engaging in any brain activity right now, so stop asking me for the answers to life,” NOT “I’m thinking about how you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen and if I were to ever meet her, I’d tell Megan Fox to get a face-lift to look more like YOU, not the other way around,” like you want to hear. So stop asking him what he’s thinking…just let him veg peacefully.

9.) If asked about your ex’s endowment, DO NOT give solid measurements in inches and diagrams. Be vague, but truthful. Say “You fit me better,” or “It wasn’t all that great.” Penis envy is real, and just like how you REALLY don’t want to know if his ex gave better head than you do, he really doesn’t need to be thinking about how he measures up to The Hammer.

10.) One of the best things you can do for your relationship is realize that the time you spend annoying each other (and it WILL happen!) is always less than the time you spend loving to be around each other. (If it’s the reverse, I think you need to get out— NOW.) If he’s being chipper in the early morning before you’ve had your coffee and all you really want to do is tell him to shut up, sit down, and leave you alone, remember that this too shall pass, and in the next 10 minutes, he’ll go back to being your average, normal, lovable boyfriend. A little memory of the good times together, and a LOT of tolerance goes a looong way in relationships. If he doesn’t think he drives you mental at least twice every day because you keep it to yourself and work through it, he’ll think you’re Mother Teresa’s hot young kid sister.

XOXO

—-

- From SATCG

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June 11, 2011


Cleaned the house again. At this point, I have surpassed Old Lady levels and entered into Martha Stewart’s Upper Echelons of Hell.

XOXO

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June 15, 2011


Gotta Raise Some Hell, Before They Take You Down.

A day full of motorcycle things.

I have been in Harley dealerships more times in the past 2 months than the sum of times before in my life.

And I liiiiiiike it.

XOXO

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Find of the day: Harley Davidson bandana. Fo’ FREE! Wearing it pin-up style.
So SoA and Gemma I can barely stand it.
XOXO

Find of the day: Harley Davidson bandana. Fo’ FREE! Wearing it pin-up style.

So SoA and Gemma I can barely stand it.

XOXO

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June 20, 2011


June 28, 2011


ridersnake:

Elspeth Beard, upon her return to England from a 3year 48,000mile ride around the world.

What a fucking bad-ass.
XOXO

ridersnake:

Elspeth Beard, upon her return to England from a 3year 48,000mile ride around the world.

What a fucking bad-ass.

XOXO

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July 10, 2011


I never thought that cleaning and childproofing the house, making the grocery list, and creating a menu for the week would be part of my life.

Surprise!

XOXO

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July 14, 2011


Just Call Me Betty Fuckin’ Crocker.

Last night, I made these mini-lasagna cups for the S.O, one of our roommates, and myself. 

Tonight, it’s potato and leek soup with an onion ring floating on top, and a side of braised balsamic scallions.

Dark chocolate and hazelnut torte is sometime later this week.

Who is the best hausfrau? This bitch.

XOXO

P.S— Did I mention I wiped down all the flat surfaces in the living room, kitchen, and dining room the other day to dust them off and keep them clean? Oh, yeah. Doin’ Momma proud.

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July 20, 2011


Hey, if it was good enough for Princess Leia, hausfrau-ery is good enough for me.
XOXO

Hey, if it was good enough for Princess Leia, hausfrau-ery is good enough for me.

XOXO

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July 22, 2011


Datebynumbers: “But to be honest, if a guy was like, “I have central air and HBO,” I’d be like, “I have cleaning supplies and make a slamming breakfast. Let’s trade.””

Sounds fair.

XOXO

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July 28, 2011


The problem with asking yourself, “What Would Gemma Do?” before meeting with your loan officer is that this would likely be Gemma’s answer.

Which, actually, is a pretty accurate representation of what I think bitch handling should look like.

XOXO

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August 4, 2011