January 15, 2011

Stoplight Theory

Men are kind of like stoplights when it comes to being in the mood for sex. There’s “HELL YES,” there’s “You can convince me,” and then there’s “Get the fuck away.” You can start a man out with “You can convince me,” and get him to “HELL YES.” It’s all about waiting your turn and abiding by the rules of the road. Or, in this case, head. (You decide which.)

Women are not like stoplights— we’re like taxi cabs. Either our light is on, or our light is off. There’s no convincing us to flick it one way or the other once we’ve already made up our mood. So when a woman’s light is on, and as plain to see as if we were actually holding a neon sign above ourselves that read “Open For Your Business,” in the iconic words of Sugarhill Gang,jump on it. Because when a woman is closed, she’s closed. There’s no changing her mind. Unlike with men, there’s no amount of ego-stroking or caressing that can make her change the way she feels about your chances for that moment. Keep in mind, for a week out of every month, we’re bleeding, and there are also the nights we eat or drink too much or just aren’t feeling all that sexual. Even I sometimes wind up not feeling all that sexual. I’ve been working lately on the whole not-getting-drunk-and-having-sex-thing, and without that cushy fog of inebriation, it’s true what they say: it makes you feel better about yourself, and when I’m not thoroughly convinced by the beer goggles that I am slammin’, I’m winding up a lot more in the “off” camp than in the “on” camp.

This is why it sucks for you guys but why we women think men are great. When a woman wants to have sex, she can usually convince her partner it seems like a great idea. (Reason #324 it’s great to be a lady.) However, on the flip-side, if we can’t convince you to turn on when we are, it’s like the Great Depression of 2010. There is much hair-tearing and emotional rending. In short, it really sucks (invisible) balls.


- Reposted excerpt from SATCG; October 2010

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SATCG Sex Men vs. Women

January 18, 2011

What is it about that moment in which a woman needs to be filled and a man wholly enveloped?


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Sex Random Musings Men vs. Women

January 19, 2011

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby.

"Is a man just an animal, and is a woman not an animal?
Is the name of the animal power?
Is it true that the man wishes to see the woman
hurt with her own pleasure

and the woman wishes to see the expression on the man’s face
of someone falling from great height,
that the woman thrills with the power of her weakness
and the man is astonished by the weakness of his power?

I’ve seen rain turn into snow then back to rain,
and I’ve seen making love turn into fucking
then back to making love,
and no one covered up their faces out of shame,
no one rose and walked into the lonely maw of night.”

- excerpt from “Adam and Eve” by Tony Hoagland

You can read it all at: http://buoy.antville.org/stories/355622/


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Poetry Authors Sex Men vs. Women

January 22, 2011

What can we learn from this?

#1: Be proactive. If it ain’t goin’ down, LET HIM KNOW that it ain’t goin’ down. It’s only fair; it’s only polite; wouldn’t you want him to know sex isn’t int he cards before you make a fool of yourself? Extend the same courtesy. As he says, there is nothing wrong with a woman saying no to sex…before sex is literally on the table. Once you let things get to that point and then renege on it…that’s when you’re a tease, and not in the hot way.

#2: To steal from “He’s Just Not That Into You,” like he says, you are not the exception. If he’s done it before, chances are, he’s gonna try to do it with YOU. If you let him, it’s your funeral. Only if you stop him and get yourselves on the same page real quick is when he’s going to start thinking about you differently than those other 101 girls, because you’ve made him see you differently. Lately, I’ve been hearing from more and more men that strong, independent girls who speak their mind and aren’t afraid to sass back are the type of girls they’re into. This explains why my friend Julia, who was voted “Most Likely To Marry A Rockstar” in her high school yearbook, does so well with me. (She’s a reigning Champlain LikeALittle queen.) She never lets herself by lumped in with the rest of the pack. If all the girls are leaning left, she’s leaning right. Guys go crazy over her. Emulate. Stop being the meek, “doesn’t rock the boat” girl, and being all surprised when you’re not getting what you wanted out of a relationship. Lay it all out there. He’ll respect you more for it. And sass is hot. I mean, just look at that word. It’s already got “ass” in it. Of course it’s awesome.

#3: Thou shalt put in as much work as he is. "Everything was cool— talk on the phone everyday; she would stop in to see me, I’d go past to see her…" The amount that you put into a relationship is proportional with how into it he thinks you are. And vice-versa, for that matter. If you want him to know you’re genuinely interested, stop doing the aloof woman shit, and be the one to ask to make a date or see each other. That’s when he gets that you’re feeling him— NOT when you wait three hours to respond to his text because your friend Amy told you that you don’t want to appear too over-eager. Be smart, like I know all you girls are— use your judgement about when is a good time to play the game, and when it’s not.

#4: If he’s paying for your meal, chances are, unless he is a very platonic friend, or the nicest and most generous man in the world with a disposable income, he’s gonna want to see something for his Benjamin’s. This is no secret or surprise. There are differences between a man paying for your Junior Whopper or paying for your crab leg dinner. One means peaceful co-existing while eating together. The other means “I’m taking this out in sweat from you later.” Think about it this way: How many of your male friends, who you’ve known for years, and consider like the brothers you’ve never had, have paid for a meal of yours? None of very few? That’s right— that’s date territory. And while I’ll have my boys over for dinner, or they’ll make me spaghetti and homemade meatballs in their humble abode, it’s not like they’re taking me out to Leunig’s downtown for a slice of banana cream pie…and a steak. So, unless you want to sleep with him, or unless you’re very, very hungry and very, very poor and don’t mind being very, very rude— don’t accept a dinner invitation out with him to somewhere where entrées are over $20.

#5: The ears are the sweet-spot. AMEN. Ears are very dangerous things to play around with. DO NOT go for the ears unless you’re ready for the consequences. Men, women, dogs…I don’t care what gender or even species you are…the ears are where it’s AT. Earlobes are packed full with nerves and are an erogenous zone, don’tcha know? So don’t go near my ears unless you want to be having buckwild sex in about .02 seconds, and I won’t go near a man’s ears unless I want the same. Let’s all make a pact right now— keep your mouth off the ears, and no one will have any mixed signals or wishes that can’t or won’t be fulfilled, ok?



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SATCG Relationships Dating Men vs. Women Columns

January 25, 2011

I operate under this weird assumption that one of me should be enough for one man, and he doesn’t have to go looking anywhere else.

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Men vs. Women Relationships Girl Shit Playa

January 26, 2011

Girl Talk: Women on Men.

  • Problems with the kid from home-- 1. He asked if it was weird that he likes clothes shopping, 2. He just told me that he was looking through a seed catalog and would ideally spend all of his disposable income on seeds.
  • So he likes clothes and gardening. At least he'd never complain his ass off about shopping with you. And _____'s favorite hobbies were gardening and antiquing, no lies.
  • Haha!
  • _____ was a bird watcher. ______ painted tiny figurines. Men are WEIRD in their hobbies and what they like.
  • True. Although sometimes I like it better when they keep their hobbies easy-- Guns, snowboarding, and protein shakes.
  • XOXO

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January 27, 2011

Miss Communication

Communication is a funny, funny thing. But like any one-sided joke, I feel like one side of the conversation is always left hanging and unamused.

Some people are great communicators. Some people can talk and talk and talk about everything from the weather to their job to their passions to themselves to what the next door neighbor did this morning with his wife to their own desires to what other people desire. Some people are bad communicators. Some people are good listeners. Some people are me and will gladly pull teeth before they start to converse about their emotions. Some people are awkward communicators.

And then there’s men.

This recently came up while talking to a friend who was wondering why a guy hadn’t responded to a text she sent him.

I thought about what she said for a minute, weighing in with my personal experience before responding, and trying to be as helpful as possible. “I would have said something more than ‘Happy Easter’. I ‘Happy New Year’ and ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy Thanksgiving’-ed, and never got responses back. Many men have never responded to my holiday greetings, and both men that I have and have not slept with. I think men just look at those texts, grunt, file it away, and move on with life. Or devouring whatever cavebeast they just managed to maul and kill.” 

Personally, I think we women would get a lot further in keeping their attention if our clothing designers started using bacon as a fabric.

This frame of mind is pretty much the only thing that makes me keep my shit together when I myself send messages that never get responses or aren’t returned. Though I am pretty sure at this point that it is standard male procedure to read messages, respond to them in their mind, and then go back to whatever it was they were previously doing, sure that the telepathic message will get through, no bad feelings meant, nothing makes me want to sit in front of my computer more, fuming, and then scream like a she-banshee and bash the stupid little “no messages” or “empty inbox” icon with the closest heavy object. (Most likely, a shoe or the Murano glass ashtray.) Here is a thought: Sometimes, even if it is not required, or you don’t think it’s so very important, a response is not only nice, but proper good manners. 

No one is perfect— at the moment I have three outstanding messages to get back to, and one is over a month old— but it’s the effort that really counts, even if all it is is an “Ok” or an “I’ll see you then.” One of my favorite guys of all-time was the best friend of a guy I was seeing who never once failed to respond to a message, even if it was a text back saying, “Hey, I got your text.” When I met his mother, I gushed about what a great guy and great communicator he was for a solid five minutes. She was astounded and proud. I understand. It’s a rare thing these days.

Little things like that make all the difference to some people. Like the person who just sent you that “Happy Easter” text or that “Hey, here’s a reminder” email. So, um, here’s a hint— RESPOND if you care for that person or your previous and continuing relationship with them just even a little bit. Thank them, wish them the same, then end the conversation when you tell them that you’re busy with your family on the holidays instead of leaving them guessing. If you’re too swamped with work to take the time to answer their questions and write back, a brief “Really busy— I’ll get back to you ASAP,” will suffice and give them better peace of mind. Yeah, you shouldn’t have to jump to it and constantly be responding to texts and emails and messages, but really, when someone takes time out of their day to wish you good feelings or let you know that you’re on their mind or that they want to check in with you and make sure things like your 8 PM dinner appointment are still on, take a second— just a brief second— and let them know that you care, too. It can be a three word response, but it’s still an acknowledgement. Don’t push people away or upset them when it can be easily remedied. Life is too short. People mean too much.

Agree? Disagree? Want to tell me how we shouldn’t be chained to our personal messaging devices and be expected to wait on them hand and food? Tell me. C’mon. Respond. That’s what that comment box is for.



- Excerpt from SATCG, April 2010

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SATCG Communication Men vs. Women Texting Phones

January 30, 2011

Girl (And Guy) Talk: Procreation

  • Guy, while rubbing the girl's belly: Babies?
  • Girl: I sure as hell hope not.
  • Guy, still rubbing: I think I can feel the babies. ...You don't like babies, but I like to bust a nut.
  • OH GOD NO. Terrifying.
  • XOXO

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February 11, 2011

V-Day Made Easy, for the Fellas.

Hi. Let me take this moment to remind you, this coming Monday, February 14th, is Valentine’s Day. I know. It sucks. I’m sorry. You may want to remember that or keep that in mind. Now let’s suck it up and get serious about this shit.

If you’re seeing a girl, dating a girl, in a relationship with a girl, playing a girl, sleeping with a girl, engaged to a girl, married to a girl, or, hell, if you even KNOW a girl, expect that she got you something. Please know that “don’t get me anything” RARELY actually means “don’t get me anything” when coming from a woman’s mouth. Expect that she will probably be expecting or wanting something in return. DO NOT expect that you have to be left in the dark about what to do, or that it has to cost you a small fortune, the price your left kidney will fetch on the black market, or your future child together’s college education. The good news is, there are some inherent things that men do that drive us ladies wild, in a good way. I’m particularly partial to the freshly washed man— a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else on but body hair is one of my favorite sights in the world. Give me about 10 minutes of concentrated and uninterrupted staring at that, and I’m good for the day. Easy as all hell, right? (Yes, we objectify you too.) 

A few things other than the time-honored toweled man that will satiate your lady’s desire for romance and surprise on V-Day, ranging from costing you nothing to things that will cost you a little bit of dignity or a chunk of change (lucky girl!): 

- Whatever it is, first of all, surprising us with it is always a good idea. A smart woman is very rarely actually surprised. If you can pull it off, you can charm her.

- Cook for her. It doesn’t matter what you cook— you could be Anthony Bourdain whipping up lamb ribs with a mint/tarragon aioli, or you could be a college boy stirring the contents of a box of Kraft mac n’ cheese on the stove top, but whenever a woman sees a man standing in a kitchen, holding a cooking utensil, and doing something with food, it makes you look like Arthur pulling the sword out of the stone and hits us in a very primal spot. I think it’s called Instant Love.

- Clean up a little, both personally and physically. Shower. Shave. Find a fresh pair of socks. And if she finds you folding her laundry (separate lights from darks or whites from colors, and when in doubt, DON’T DRY IT IN THE DRYER UNLESS IT’S 100% COTTON!) or holding the handle of a running vacuum, I guarantee you— Best Boyfriend Award for WEEKS.

- I know some of us (myself included) will tell you that chocolate and flowers are over-played. Some women (including myself) are bullshit. What we DON’T like are generic bouquets and Russell Stover heart boxes. Go for her favorite bunch of flowers, or something bright and colorful, and Godiva. My dad got my mom and I classy, understated roses (Mom’s, red; mine, the cream-colored ones with the pink or purple tips— god, I love them,) and gourmet chocolate every year. Our abiding love for him is a good Exhibit A as to why unless she says “I’m allergic,” flowers still do something special to every girl. And if you do go for the dozen red roses with baby’s breath and red foil box, yadda yadda yadda…unless she’s a Grade A bitch, she’ll still appreciate the effort you put in, anyway.

- Jewelry is always good. Always. I say this as a jeweler’s daughter and sales associate who watched hundreds of men pour in the shop’s front doors every year, not as a woman. Here are a few tips I learned in the trade for making sure she actually will like what you drop money on: 

1.) Take note of the kind of jewelry she wears regularly. Is she a ring person with one on nearly every finger? Or are bangles and bracelets more her style? Does she only wear the necklace her dead grandmother gave her on her deathbed, and would never think of taking it off in favor of another? Does she have an earring collection, or does she even have pierced ears? What’s her favorite gem or birthstone? Is she a silver or gold girl? What’s her style? While I may have grown up with precious stones and tennis bracelets, only a small percentage of the jewelry I wear every day is real— the rest are souvenirs from places I’ve traveled (rings from Italy and St. John’s,) a signature dichroic glass pendant on my necklace that I will almost NEVER take off, and bangles that I’ll switch in and out depending on my mood and the look I’m going for— either wood or cheap metal ones. Scoping what she wears everyday and what’s in her jewelry box will give you a good idea as to the type of jewelry she likes to wear and what she’d get the most wear out of— if she wears the same 2 rings every day, a ring may not be the road to go, but if she mixes and matches necklaces or earrings, those would probably be safe to get her something new. It doesn’t even have to be expensive— the majority of the jewelry I treasure cost under $50— it just has to be her.

2.) Make sure it’s the right size, especially for rings. When in doubt, snag a ring that she won’t miss for a day to take it in and match what you’re buying up with the right size.

3.) Get it gift-wrapped. Unless you were an origami CHAMP in elementary school, it’s probably best to get someone at the store to do it for you.

4.) If it’s in a square box— be it a ring, earrings, or pendant— give us a minute to catch our breath when you give it to us. We’re pre-conditioned about square boxes…we’re sorry, we can’t help it, just bear with us until we start breathing regularly again.

- Can’t go wrong with a few things: Victoria’s Secret gift card. Books, movies, or tickets to a show she’s wanted to see. A candlelit bubble bath drawn up and waiting for her when she gets home (cheesy, yes, but classic for a reason— this is the holiday of romantic Velveeta moments). A mix CD or playlist that you compiled for her. Dinner and a fairly nice restaurant and a move. Drinks or cocktails at a lounge— dressed up. A hand-in-hand walk after dark. Massages. Sex. Cuddling. Or going out drinking in moderately decent clothing, followed by a drunken stumble home in the dark while holding each other up, some messy foreplay, sex, and not falling asleep snoring directly afterwards. That works, too. Hey. We’re not all gooey and mushy.

- Good god, hold the plushy toys and cards, unless you’re dating jailbait. If you are, make sure to have her back by curfew. Also, please go register with your local Neighborhood Watch chapter.

- Fix something for her— her car, her computer, the floor in her apartment that needs to be redone, the old paint in the bathroom that’s chipping and needs a fresh coat. Whatever you’re naturally good at, lend her your talents.

- Tell her she’s gorgeous. The best thing you can do for us is really just to tell us that you like us. That we smell nice. That we’re pretty. That you like being with us. That you think you’re lucky. That you’d do a lot for us, like brave the hordes at a flower shop at 5 o’clock on the 14th because you suddenly remember that we love Gerber daisies. That she looks slammin’ in whatever she bought for the occasion. Laugh at the pink wrapping paper. Kiss her “thank you.” Say “thank you.” Be genuine with her, and she’ll fall for it faster than she ever would for a dozen red roses. (…It’s still a good idea to have something small. Just sayin’— don’t shoot the messenger.)

Hope that cleared some things up for you, and best of luck with getting lucky.


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February 19, 2011

Girl Shit: It's The Drugs Talking.

  • Madison. We have a problem.
  • Madison: Carissa. Uh oh. Go.
  • Every time I get stoned with him, for some reason, "I love you" is fighting to pop out. Even though I don't. I am very, very fond of the boy, but I do not love him. So why does Stoned Me want to say this so badly? Also, how do we get her to stop trying?
  • Madison: Dude, just keep an eye on her.
  • Has anything like this ever happened to you?
  • Madison: Not gonna lie, I get worried about Blackout Madison quite often. I woke up Sunday morning and PANICKED until I realized he was fine and that I must not have said anything crazy.
  • So it's not just me being crazy?
  • Madison: No, I think that's a legit and common fear.
  • Phew. But what I want to know is, why does it happen?
  • Madison: Because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • I've never said "I love you" to anyone before, so is it just my clock ticking and telling me it's time's up?
  • Madison: No, you're just so worried that it's going to happen that you accidentally almost do.
  • Truth. Why are women so weird?
  • Madison: Because men make us feel like we are.
  • Ugh, so true.
  • XOXO

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February 20, 2011

He Said, She Said: Space (Balls.)

  • I Said: So, I tried to get a hold of you the other day.
  • He Said: Oh yeah? My bad, I've been kicking it with the guys all weekend. You know, I obviously like hanging out, and I have a lot of fun with you...but if I don't respond to a text or message or whatever, then just don't worry. We spend a lot of time together which I enjoy...but I also need my space, too.
  • I Said: I totally get that.
  • Which I totally did, after he explained everything I'd needed to hear for the past 3 days. Let the enjoyment of our space now commence, because now that I am no longer a crazy person, I'm starting to finally enjoy it and sleeping diagonally across the bed because he's not here and I can, too.
  • XOXO

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Couples Space Men vs. Women Miss Communication

February 26, 2011


Carrie BradshawWhen men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psychotic.

Ugh. So true. So what’s the fine line between your truth and coming off as crazy, even if that’s how you’re feeling? Can you ever put enough make-up on it to mask the feeling?


Carrie Bradshaw
When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psychotic.

Ugh. So true. So what’s the fine line between your truth and coming off as crazy, even if that’s how you’re feeling? Can you ever put enough make-up on it to mask the feeling?


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Carrie Bradshaw SATC Relationships Men vs. Women

March 1, 2011

Girl Talk: State Of Our Unions.

  • Madison: I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship in my life.
  • Hello. I agree.
  • Madison: What is wrong with us?
  • I think, my dear Madison, is that the problem is that we're too smart. Because unlike other seemingly happy couples, we actually are smart enough to know when things are going wrong, or smart enough to know when things aren't "normal". Also, I think we DESPERATELY both want to be in love and in a FUNCTIONAL relationship, so we're willing to put up with a lot more, hoping it gets there.
  • Madison: I don't think that makes them like us any better. It makes them lose respect for us.
  • I think we actually need to start bringing up the unpleasant things we want to talk about, but are too afraid that doing so will make us lose them.
  • Madison: I've spent the last eight months trying not to feel anything when he does something awful. I think I'm finally too tired to fight it anymore.
  • Strangely, that's when most relationships end-- when you're too tired to fight or care anymore because you've already cared SO MUCH.
  • XOXO

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March 14, 2011

Girl Talk: Playing Doctor.

  • I had to explain female internal anatomy last night, because he always refers to being all the way in as "almost hitting the other side," like it's some magical land or something. Finally, I was like, "That is my cervix. It is the top of the entire contraption. And yes, it's hard, so if you hit it, it hurts both of us."
  • XOXO

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March 24, 2011