February 7, 2011


Girl Talk: The Parentals.

  • So, his mom apparently asked if he'd set her up with my Netflix account so she could watch a movie. I have NEVER met this woman-- I've seen her hands washing dishes over the kitchen sink from the driveway. Like, if she ever wanted to know anything about me or my viewing habits, she now knows SOMETHING about me-- I like National Geographic ancient Egyptian documentaries, cheap romances with a comedy bend, and watch a lot of food programming. Congratulations. Your son is dating someone who watches Ghost Adventures and The Science of Sex Appeal. Worry.
  • Madison: Yeah, it's a bit weird to think about it. And it's always weird to think about boys talking about you outside of your presence.
  • XOXO

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Girl Shit Madison Parents TV Movies

February 11, 2011


Girl Talk: Love You Like It's 1995.

  • I just honestly need to get affirmation from him-- OTHER than sex-- that he finds me attractive.
  • Madison: I know what you mean. Having _____ tell me he likes my ass is not exactly soothing.
  • It's like, great, but when I'm clothed and standing next to 10 other girls downtown...then what do you think of me?
  • Madison: Well, if I'm wearing my mini, I apparently look "super fly." Wrong decade, man.
  • Really? How old is he?
  • Madison: 25 going on 1995.
  • XOXO

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February 12, 2011


Girl Talk: Maybe It Wouldn't Hurt So Much If He Hadn't Called Her "Pretty." Or Had Ever Called Me "Pretty."

  • Ugh. I'm eating my feeling's worth in chocolate from the V-Day care package my mother so conveniently shipped me today. And in case you were wondering, I'm feeling about 5 pound's worth.
  • Madison: NOT COOL.
  • XOXO

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Girl Shit Friends Madison Emotions Ouch Fat Kid Other Women

February 14, 2011


Girl Talk: Valentine's Day.

  • Hope you're desensitized to my ass. Now let's judge me like a hunk of meat.
  • ...I really hope it was you I just sent those to. Wouldn't that be awkward?
  • Madison: HAHAHA, so awkward!
  • Betty Paige, I am NOT. But I do Lolita rather well.
  • XOXO

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Girl Shit Valentine's Day Friends Madison Body (Language) T&A Oops

February 16, 2011


Girl Talk: Slippery When Wet.

  • As we're finally talking a lukewarm shower, he says, "So, I have to go home to feed my little brother's hamster. But I was wondering if you wanted to do drinks and a late movie tomorrow night, and then come into town on Friday and spend some time there and go to dinner at Bobcat."
  • Madison: Awwww!
  • I was taken aback. You can't surprise a naked girl like that. I nearly slipped in the shower, and believe me, there isn't room for that.
  • XOXO

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Girl Shit Surprises Wet & Wild Madison

February 18, 2011


Girl Talk: The Best Laid Date Plans Of Mice And Men...Or Women...

  • Well, this is not the night I had planned.
  • Madison: Oh nooo!
  • I texted him 3 hours ago asking if he had plans tonight. I'm taking this silence to mean "yes."
  • Madison: Boooo.
  • And here we enter the portion of the night entitled "Did I do anything wrong to make you hate me and/or not want to date me?"
  • XOXO

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February 19, 2011


Girl Shit: It's The Drugs Talking.

  • Madison. We have a problem.
  • Madison: Carissa. Uh oh. Go.
  • Every time I get stoned with him, for some reason, "I love you" is fighting to pop out. Even though I don't. I am very, very fond of the boy, but I do not love him. So why does Stoned Me want to say this so badly? Also, how do we get her to stop trying?
  • Madison: Dude, just keep an eye on her.
  • Has anything like this ever happened to you?
  • Madison: Not gonna lie, I get worried about Blackout Madison quite often. I woke up Sunday morning and PANICKED until I realized he was fine and that I must not have said anything crazy.
  • So it's not just me being crazy?
  • Madison: No, I think that's a legit and common fear.
  • Phew. But what I want to know is, why does it happen?
  • Madison: Because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • I've never said "I love you" to anyone before, so is it just my clock ticking and telling me it's time's up?
  • Madison: No, you're just so worried that it's going to happen that you accidentally almost do.
  • Truth. Why are women so weird?
  • Madison: Because men make us feel like we are.
  • Ugh, so true.
  • XOXO

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February 23, 2011


Should We WANT To Lose Ourselves?

We all know the sayings: Lose yourself in the moment. Lose yourself in your work. Lose yourself to find yourself again. But should we want to lose ourselves in the first place? Lately, I’ve been wondering what good can come from losing oneself. I hate that moment in a relationship when you suddenly realize that you’re not happy being alone anymore, or, at the very least, have come to expect that someone else will be around to entertain you. And when that’s not the case, then that thought becomes an obsession, and it’s like you’re suddenly a half of a Siamese twin severed, who feels like they’ve lost their identity, or what was special about them. In many way, identity theft may be kinder than the moment in which you find yourself realizing you’re losing yourself, or, at least, losing the things that used to make up your life or define you as an individual or Single Person.

The existential crisis started around 56 hours ago (and counting). Thursday morning, I was woken up by a text from TGIS, and we continued correspondence from afar until about 5 o’clock that night, after which, I haven’t heard from him since. (Granted, I haven’t been trying very hard, but that’s because A.) I’m under the severe impression it’s just better not to nag, and B.) I’ve always thought it gives you a better symptom of your relationship to see when he finally gets back around to you.) One day was fine. But when I woke up this morning, I felt odd, disoriented. And that’s when I realized it was because I’m so used to waking up beside someone. Noon came, and I found myself still in bed, because no requests for brunch out had been made. By this evening, I was in full-out obsession mode about not only the state of my affair, but also, about what the FUCK I was supposed to do with myself and all this free time that had suddenly (and unwelcomely) been found on my hands. So while I may not be neuros-ing about it all over him, I found an outlet for it elsewhere: With my girl friends. Obviously. Because some things never change, even if your established weekend routine suddenly does.

I’m in my twenties. I’m so close to having my Bachelor’s Degree in hand I can almost feel it; I paid for the insanely expensive and insanely luxurious Ralph Lauren sheets on my bed myself; I’m paying down my credit card; and I’m giving a presentation at a national writer’s convention in Boston in March. My life is pretty fabulous, and yet, all it takes is two day’s worth of silence, and I find myself acting like I’m 16 again, trying to occupy myself by making a list of things to do with items like “Wash dishes,” “Moisturize entire body,” “Watch a ‘thinking’ documentary to try to get my mind off of ‘thinking’ about the fact it is a weekend and I don’t believe it without another person here: Sexual Intelligence; Wild China; Food, Inc.; or Prehistoric Predators, Season 1,” “Find some way to make a palatable drink with Skyy vodka, the dregs of orange juice, whipped cream that’s lost it’s whip, and anything else in the fridge, all while really just wanting a nice glass (or bottle) of wine,” and “Try not to ‘wine’ anymore.” It made me wonder: Do our lives really still revolve around boys?

Once upon a time back in sophomore year of college, my mother thought my friend Madison was secretly my lesbian lover. I can see why she might have thought that— we spend an uncomfortable amount of time talking to each other. Mostly, I think, it’s because we usually have equal levels of confusion in our lives, and think about things similarly. So it was Madison I turned to when asking, “Why do I always panic like this if I don’t hear back from a guy for like, I’m not shitting you, two days? I mean, it’s TWO DAYS. My sane self knows this. However, my relationship self is going mental. What I want to know is, why do I FREAK out?”

And then Madison said something very true, yet not very heartening at all: “Because you haven’t had good luck with similar situations in the past.”

Touché, my dear, and good fucking lord, there is no hope— I’m done for.
I am not the only one who seems to be wondering about the ramifications of losing yourself for someone else. Madison has her own issues, too. “The problem is that I’ve always known that [I was letting him use me like a doormat]. I just kind of let it happen. And that’s not me at all. And that’s why I’m ashamed.”

And that’s when I hit my epiphany in our conversation: “Secretly, I think we’re all ashamed at things we do in relationships or non-relationships with other people. Look at me— I’ve forgotton how to be ok with being suddenly alone. I think there’s something about wanting to be with another person that makes us crazy and makes us forget and sacrifice parts of ourselves because we want something else SO MUCH.”

It’s all so terribly ironic, because as I was driving home on Wednesday night after bringing TGIS back to his hometown, I was smugly reminiscing on this relationship versus past relationships, thinking to myself how you can be the person you’re supposed to be and want to be when you’re with the right person. Give me 56 hours of silence, and I’m still the confused little mess I was a year ago, give or take a different man, situation, and a few relevant learning curves. Look how far I’ve gotten on the road map to finding myself.

XOXO

So what about you? How have you learned not to lose yourself, or how to occupy yourself when you’d rather be doing something with someone else? Do you think that we’re more willing to sacrifice parts of our lives and our selves if the payback of having the love of someone else is an option?

—-

- From SATCG

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March 1, 2011


Girl Talk: State Of Our Unions.

  • Madison: I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship in my life.
  • Hello. I agree.
  • Madison: What is wrong with us?
  • I think, my dear Madison, is that the problem is that we're too smart. Because unlike other seemingly happy couples, we actually are smart enough to know when things are going wrong, or smart enough to know when things aren't "normal". Also, I think we DESPERATELY both want to be in love and in a FUNCTIONAL relationship, so we're willing to put up with a lot more, hoping it gets there.
  • Madison: I don't think that makes them like us any better. It makes them lose respect for us.
  • I think we actually need to start bringing up the unpleasant things we want to talk about, but are too afraid that doing so will make us lose them.
  • Madison: I've spent the last eight months trying not to feel anything when he does something awful. I think I'm finally too tired to fight it anymore.
  • Strangely, that's when most relationships end-- when you're too tired to fight or care anymore because you've already cared SO MUCH.
  • XOXO

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March 3, 2011


Girl Talk: Solidarity.

  • Madison: I maaaay have gotten pissy and unfriended him when he was being a douche.
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...and this is why I love you. I THOUGHT we were one mutual friend down!
  • Madison: Him showing up on my news feed was making me ANGRY. I wanted to kick him in the gut.
  • Have I mentioned I love you lately?
  • XOXO

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March 21, 2011


Girl Talk: Countess Dracula.

  • Madison: ...And I am not tan-- I need to get on that.
  • You are so tan
  • Madison: I haven't been since Thursday.
  • Oh, bitch, please. I am ALABASTER.
  • It's the truth.
  • XOXO

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April 7, 2011


Who's Self-Sufficient? THIS GIRL.

  • Literally, Madison, I brought 4 Tupperware containers with me in a huge purse to the Trustee's Dinner. I now have 2 chicken marsala breasts, a cut of roast beef, green beans, marinated veggies, 2 brownies, 3 rolls...I think that's it.
  • Madison: HAHA, I AM SO GLAD YOU WENT PREPARED.
  • Yup. I'm a fucking champ.
  • Madison: Seriously
  • I know. I'd make a great charismatic, witty, reliant homeless person. Oh, wait. Come after graduation, and I might be.
  • XOXO

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Girl Talk: Like A Bad Romance Novel.

  • He touched my thigh. Because of the pleather leggings.
  • Madison: Aw, yay!! With his hand!?
  • No, with his DICK. Yes, with his hand.
  • Madison: I didn't know if you meant a thigh brush.
  • Oh, hahahha, no, with his hand. ..."And suddenly, he was stroking my thigh."
  • XOXO
  • Seriously, those pleather leggings pimp me out better than Kat Williams could have in the good ol' days.

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April 26, 2011


Why Men Think Women Don't Pee.

  • Me: Three beers into last night, I finally realize I, in fact, have to pee there. Am scared. Bachelor pad. Steel myself. Walk into bathroom. Seat and toilet cover are both down. Art on the walls. SOAP in a SOAPDISH. And...a fan of Men's Health magazines laid out on the counter. I emotionally shat myself and promptly went to heaven.
  • Madison: Hahahahaha
  • Me: It was all my OCD dreams come true.
  • XOXO
  • True Life: This happened. Women are generally prone to holding it to a point of near Hoover-Dam-burst proportions before they will use the bathroom in a new guy's house, for fear of a few things: Pubic hair. No toilet paper. No trash can, (if it's that time of the month). Hence the myth that women don't pee is perpetuated. So, when we finally work ourselves up to peeing at your place, it's a Big Fucking Deal. Especially if your left-aligned, diagonally-oriented fan of magazines is on the sink for our reading pleasure, and the place is CLEAN. Fucking perfection.

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May 22, 2011


Girl Talk: Why I Should Not Be Given Sensitive Information.

  • And tests were neg? And, after you answer that, tell me what you had at the Green Room.
  • Madison: Yes, neggo.
  • Oh, good. Neggo preggo? Not in your eggo?
  • Madison: Exactament.
  • XOXO

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