The Things That Cosmo Lied About.
Maybe I’ve just been sleeping with the wrong men, but it seems to me more and more that there are some things that Cosmopolitan magazine, the Bible of my overly-hormone-ridden teens and early twenties, has lied to me and its fellow devotees about.
Specifically, there was that one article that told us to “gently slap his penis back and forth between your palms.”
Because I mean, nothing says “romance” like slapping your dick, right, guys?
I mean, at least I knew when I read that, right then and there, that that tip was a crock of shit. Some other things that Cosmo has preached repeatedly year after year, however, seem to take a little longer and a little bit of trial and error to understand will never work for you and your partner and your prospective libidos. Here are the top offenders— literally, OFFENDERS— that I’ve found. Just keep in mind that a real girl had to have tried these things with oftentimes more than one guy to make sure that it wasn’t just personality preference and a fluke. Oh, no. This was conducted like an honest-to-God experiment for the sake of SCIENCE. Sometimes mortifying, sometimes hilarious, but always illuminating, here are my findings. Learn from them, so that you too don’t have to end up sleeping in a bed smeared with whipped cream and trying frantically the next day to get your boss’s dog from licking your shins obsessively at work.
1.) Incorporating whipped cream into your “cooking” in the bedroom. Cosmo and I both happen to think that running downstairs and grabbing a can of Cabot’s Whipped for a “bedtime snack” is retro, fun, and spontaneous, right? Not so much. I have yet to encounter a man who does not look at me like I suddenly turned into Betty Crocker in latex and was able to not crack up at the concept of using whipped cream in bed. Most often, it turns into a food-fight, and then you have to change your sheets, do laundry the next morning, and you go to sleep with smears of curdling dairy material on your body, which is decidedly UNsexy.
2.) Sex to music. In my early college years, I hooked up with this guy on and off who would always play R&B while we rolled around. I loved it, and I grew to have a very deep appreciation for Musiq Soulchild. It was really sexy and set the tone for me. It would only stand to bargain then, that the genre of music you’re listening to really dic(K)tates your sack session tone and tempo, right? Well, I tried this a few times. Some guys were so distracted by the tunes that they requested silence. Others were vehemently against the aggressive rock or rap music that I hoped would translate the “I want to be taken, NOW!” message to them. Also, does anyone really have the time or forethought to set up music before the deed, let alone create a playlist? I know I did once…while I was single and not getting laid, and I’ve not once used it since. So, toss that tip.
3.) Taking control, playing the dominatrix, and tying them up. Taking control? Check— men like that. Playing the dominatrix if you normally are as sweet and pure as driven snow? Yup— drives ‘em wild. But tying them up or restraining them in any way? I’m a fan of (LOOSELY) tying a guy’s hands behind his back with a pre-slip-knotted scarf so that I’m in total control of the foreplay, but a couple kinks (pun fully intended) have always knotted (and again) up my plans. I had one guy who Houdini’d his way out. Another got muscle spasms in his biceps. Thankfully, I’ve never had anyone freak out on me about being a freak, but overall, it takes more planning and deciding what scarf you can handle sacrificing to potential bodily fluid stains and coercing and explaining and safe-word creation than may be worth it for most.
4.) Gently biting his member or any other form of teething during oral sex. …Ok, have you EVER heard a single man ask for more teeth during his beej, please? The only thing I’ve ever encountered was men who tried politely asking if there were any mouth-stretching exercises women could do, or if it was ok to knock a few teeth out to create more room. My answer was that it was always easier to find a more understanding and less endowed man.
5.) Pretty, matching, evocative, provocative underwear or lingerie. Disclaimer: I have a full-on addiction to Victoria’s Secrets. I am on first-name basis with the staff of not one, but three stores in the state. They give me tip-offs on the semi-annual sale before it happens. They actively try to recruit me. I can’t go into a store without spending at least half an hour there. I own over 200 pairs of underwear, 30 bras, and have probably personally funded one of those amazing diamond-encrusted, multi-million-dollar bras that they have during the Vickie’s Fashion Show every year. That being said, I have always encountered the same response from men every single time I have stripped down to my carefully planned and prepared, matching, lust-enticing skivvies: “Wow, they match. That’s nice. Now let’s get you out of them, STAT.” The S.O probably explained it to me best during one joint shopping trip after asking 5 minutes in if he could be excused from active shopping duty. “But isn’t there anything you like? Isn’t there anything you want to see me in?” I asked him, fully expecting that when given free reign to dress me up like a life-size Barbie in anything in the store, it’d get his blood pumping. But no. “Honestly, guys are more excited by what you’ve got UNDER your underwear,” he sighed. “Now can I please go to William-Sonoma?”
Case closed. I buy my underwear only in accordance to what pleases and impresses me from here on out. What about your dating disasters? Anything that Cosmo led YOU astray with?