March 8, 2011


Mmm, mmm, Jailbait!

I found a Tumblr thread today re: why it’s freaky as shit when guys date high school girls. The mixed responses were overwhelming. My favorites were the still barely-legal girls defending their choices to older, 20-something boyfriends.

As a definitely-no-longer-barely-legal girl who was engaged in a long-term 8 year age gap (I was 16; he was 24,) relationship in high school, here’s my two cents:

It’s wrong. Just plain wrong. On so many different levels. And I can see that now.

It was possibly my most dysfunctional, most fucked up relationship ever, and believe you me, that is saying something. A 16, 17, even 18 year old girl does not have the emotional nor mental capacity to make the sort of judgement or relationship or logic calls that you need to be able to achieve to date someone who can legally drink in a bar, or rent a car. I can see that now, clear as the warning signs I somehow conveniently missed back then. I thought I was sooooo mature. He probably thought he had it soooooo easy, going for a girl who had just gotten her license and was as of yet unburdened by emotional baggage or the relationship carcasses of other men. My life consisted of my new license and car and driving wild and free, my high school friends, convincing my older friends to buy me beer, and making out on the weekends, followed shortly thereafter by having sex and staying over on the weekends. His life consisted of college, paying college loans and the utilities on time, trying to find a “grown up” job to pay said bills, buying a car, and going to the bar with his boys. Can we see where we got lost in the other’s translation yet?

Being at roughly the same age demographic now as he was then, I could no more date or condone dating a high school or equally age-spanalicious kid more than I could conceive flying to the moon by flapping my arms and wishing really, really hard on a star. I am far too worried about my thesis and grad school portfolios to worry about someone’s sub-par SAT scores, though I DO remember when they were the most important thing in the world. It’s odd enough dating someone my same age who isn’t going through the same end-of-college crunch that I am; to walk across campus on the way to work and think that he’s not doing the same. I have too much to think about figuring out how to spread my paycheck over bills and credit cards and debts to be oh-so-taken with someone’s infatuation with drinking (tee-hee-hee!) and smoking doobies ‘cause man, I am sooooo mature and alternative and deep when I’m stoned. It is not because you’re so mature, little girl, and he is so very interested in how progressive and intelligent you are; it’s because you’re young, and fresh, and naive and unspoiled and he sees something in you that he kind of wishes he still had— namely, that point in his life where he didn’t have to worry about bills or graduation and the Real World, and he’s confused about what he wants.

My relationship then was based on playing pretend, that I was so much older and could handle dating someone with whom I’d cook dinner and spend the night and entertain his friends and family with and babysit his dog when he was out of town. Now, my relationships are all about not actually playing at cooking dinner and spending nights together and entertaining and helping out, but actually cooking dinner and spending nights and entertaining his friends and helping out because THAT’S WHERE I REALLY AM IN MY LIFE, AND THAT’S WHERE THE PEOPLE I DATE REALLY ARE. A late teenaged girl doesn’t get that cooking dinner and then going to sleep in the same bed and waking up together and digging each other’s cars out of the snowdrifts is reality, and not some pretty pictorial spread of The Way Things Should Be When Grown-Ups Act Like Grown-Ups— in fact, at nearly 22, sometimes still don’t believe it’s my reality— and that it’s not all pretty and fun and games: It’s work and communicating and stressful and exhausting and emotional and sweaty and stinky and privacy doesn’t really exist anymore and you’ll never get that sense of childhood back when you thought that this was all so exciting, so baby girl, don’t wish it away, and you not-quite-men-yet-not-boys, don’t try to enter into her fairytale world while it’s in her twilight. She’ll realize soon enough, like I have, that it’s about finding someone who appreciates my sense of humor and has life goals for themselves more than who wants to sleep with me really badly or can get me beer and bring me drugs, because, like me, that stuff is old, and that ship has sailed. And that is such a bittersweet, really maturing time, that she needs to find, on her own, to really be the sort of girl a 20-something guy would really want to date.

So, for the record— most 20-somethings dating high school chicks, or even college seniors dating college freshmen? You’re both losers. Yes, that means I was a loser, too. Now for god’s sake, both of you, grow up, and date someone within a (better be legal) two-year span. I’m not even 22. I shouldn’t have to worry about the suitable men my age going for younger women already. Thanks.

XOXO

P.S— This is not to say it doesn’t always work; though my relationship was a facsimile of a sham, and all of those of my friends’ with similar age ranges were as well, my parents married when my mom was 17 and my dad was 23, and they’re still together and managed to procreate this wonderful little bundle of joy that is me, and still be relatively sane and still in love, so that’s, what? A 1 in 33 chance you crazy kids could make it work? Or, excuse me, you crazy kid and misguidedly-in-love dude? As Matthew McConaugheyonce famously said in “Dazed and Confused”: “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” Chew on that fact— she’ll always be younger, and those younger girl quirks will always still be there; she won’t outgrow the things that she does now that annoy you in her immaturity. I should know. I still have mine when I date older men, and it drives them insane.

—-

- From SATCG; based on thoughts after reading a Tumblr thread, which is listed below.

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Couples Jailbait Philosophy Public Service Announcements Relationships SATCG

April 4, 2011


And while I was slaving away on my thesis, he was downtown with a high school senior.

I have the most FUNCTIONAL relationships, right?

XOXO

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Jailbait Relationships College Fuck This Shit Just Friends? Thesis

April 6, 2011


I find it absolutely hilARious when overly cynical little hipster girls under the age of 20 get asked all sorts of disgustingly pornographic things on Tumblr after they post overly-promiscuous, world-weary shit or (gasp!) nudes of themselves, or the obligatory “tight-fitting shirt with no bra” pic. Because seeing a waif of a (not-to-mention JAILBAIT) thing with itty-bitty titties is what we’re all on here for, right?

…I mean, I thought that was just me.

The thought of this tiny little 17 year old thing in her size-2 custom cut-off shorts, bearing her midriff and painting the eyeliner on heavy, twisting her (asymmetrically cut) hair around her finger while looking at the screen and being like, “Alaskan Pipeline? Whaaaa…?” before going to Urban Dictionary and looking it up and being like, “OHMYGOD, PERV!” and taking a moment to compose herself to answer it with something droll and sarcastic like, “Oh yeah, all the time. I’m just such a big fan of all of Sarah Palin’s work,”…that thought, and the fact that people obviously go out of their way to set these girls up like that…just BLOWS. MY. MIND.

Get back to me after you’ve moved out of home, leased an apartment, DON’T regularly post conversations you have with your parents, and have a few relationships with decent men in which (legal) bar-hopping and regular sleep-overs in said leased apartment are a part of your life, along with part-time paychecks that never quite cover the utilities, major college papers, and his passing gas and his toothbrush resting up against yours.

Ugh. 

While we’re on this note, however, I am personally SHOCKED that I have never been on the receiving end of such anon (or otherwise) messages, considering my frequent content matter and openness. …This is NOT an invitation to start. I think the closest I’ve ever come were the Russian phone sex operators who would leave me cute broken English comments about how much they liked the fact I was speaking out, along with a link to their BDSM site, on SATCG. I deleted them, but those eager little messages from women who pretend to wield whips and chains all day really made me cherish them. Awww…

…See? I may be a bitch, but I’m not quite so jaded.

XOXO

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April 7, 2011


Jailbait: The Saga Continues.

So I realize how ridiculous it is getting pissed about TGIS’s Jailbait when my own Jailbait just came back into the WC for more “help.”

Like goddamn, if he ain’t cute, but when you don’t know how to pronounce Kurt Vonnegut’s name properly and don’t get my references to early ’90s childhood programming because YOU AREN’T OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER “GARGOYLES”, we gonna have promblemmms, boiiiii.

…Also, I have a very strict, “look, appreciate, but don’t touch,” policy with younger men. (Learned my lesson. Awhile ago.) And my Jailbait is coming in to chat with me about drugs and Rhetoric essays and to touch the pleather leggings, not to smoke me up, take photos of me, talk endlessly online, and god knows what else.

So yeah. I guess this is one of those totally illogical breaches between men and women in relationships, and what is right, and what is wrong. So sue me.

XOXO

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Jailbait Stone Foxes TGIS Relationships Men vs. Women Total Illogic

Girl Talk: Like A Bad Romance Novel.

  • He touched my thigh. Because of the pleather leggings.
  • Madison: Aw, yay!! With his hand!?
  • No, with his DICK. Yes, with his hand.
  • Madison: I didn't know if you meant a thigh brush.
  • Oh, hahahha, no, with his hand. ..."And suddenly, he was stroking my thigh."
  • XOXO
  • Seriously, those pleather leggings pimp me out better than Kat Williams could have in the good ol' days.

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April 11, 2011


Irony.

I’ve always said, karma is a bitch, and irony is her mother.

Too hilarious sometimes.

XOXO

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Graduation Hilarious Jailbait Life Karma

April 12, 2011


I need to STOP running into the 1992 babe.

Literally. BABE. (Please look up the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of “babe” and see entries 1a. and 2.)

XOXO

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Jailbait College Pretty Young Things

April 14, 2011


  • Me: I find him cute. ...So how old do you think he is?
  • Alli: Freshmen.
  • WHY DO THEY KEEP GETTING YOUNGER?! I can't take this!
  • XOXO

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Men Babies Jailbait Alli WC

May 11, 2011


Oh my god, hi, I’m alive.

Being part of an inseparable couple is really detrimental to my online existence. I’m going to try to get better about it, I swear.

What’s new: I graduated; Jailbait was my waitress at a dinner and I neither killed her nor really gave a shit about her one way or another, and strangely, found her very nice and nondescript; TGIS woke me (and the boyfriend) up the other morning with a “you probably hate me but I want to talk to you” text; I was whisked away to Woodstock by the boy for a mini-vacation and shopping; I just signed the lease on a new apartment for the summer.

Woo-hoo!

XOXO

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Life Graduation TGIS Jailbait Boyfriend Relationships Apartments ILoVermont

December 16, 2011


The Dude may or may not have just gotten out of a stint of being hosted at our fine state’s correctional facility, and I may or may not communicate with him by leaving love notes and Honey-Do lists on the back of the Monopoly “get out of jail free” and “go straight to jail; do not pass go, do not collect $200” game cards. 

Sometimes I can be really, really clever, and really, really witty and sweet at the same time.

…It’s also a good thing he also shares the same sense of humor with me.

XOXO

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Couples Cute Factor Out Of Control Games Jailbait Relationships The Dude The Little Things Tips Tricks & Secrets Hilarious Jokes

December 19, 2011


Why Hard-Ass Men With Soft Sides Rock My World:

1.) You know how when you’re sleeping with someone, if they roll over or make a dramatic shift during the night, you kind of wake up halfway, just because the bed moves or you have to stop leaning against them or something? While The Dude was living with me, one night, he and his restless leg syndrome decided to move from the edge of the bed to the middle, pulling me up into semi-consciousness, and just before I drifted back off to sleep, I felt him press a kiss to my forehead. I think I managed to think, “Adorable,” right before I fell back to sleep and dreams about working with Steve Carell at McDonald’s.

2.) One of my lovely coworkers so kindly passed on a killer cold to me about three weeks ago, which I’m finally getting over, albeit with a nose that still runs like a faucet. Sharing the love, I passed it on to my mom and The Dude, who now both look and sound like utter shit. Today he met me at the mall during my break so we could run some errands and grab a bite to eat (me) and some cigarettes (him) together. After he walked me back to the store and we were saying goodbye, he looked down at me and said, “I’d really like to kiss you goodbye, but I don’t want to keep swapping this cold back and forth,” and then leaned down, kissed my cheek, and nuzzled me.

Died. Right there. Right in front of all my coworkers with a stupid grin on my face. The teasing I endured for the next two hours was totally worth it, though.

XOXO

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Adorable Men Awww Couples Cute Factor Out Of Control Jailbait Life Relationships The Dude These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things Bad Boys

December 31, 2011