January 14, 2011


A Woman’s Plea

Please take me on a date. Like, a real one. Not one that later I will question if it was a pseudo-date, or merely you making sure I actually have two ears and two legs and one nose. One where other people will see us and instantly be able to recognize between your look of sheer terror at the thought of not entertaining me enough, and my full face of make-up that we’re both hoping at some point in the near future to wind up horizontal and We Are On A Date because of this. It doesn’t really matter where you take me— I mean, as long as they serve beer, you could take me to a cockfight (not a euphemism), and I would still try to make sparkling conversation and validate your choice of venue. The key to impressing me is to ask me out in the first place, because, let’s be honest here, from there, it’s all downhill. Even if we were to go on a second date, or a sixth date, or end up together for two years, sooner or later, you will discover how I always leave an inch of drink left in my cups in the fridge, which I never plan on finishing, and I will discover, at some point, your love for either 80’s power ballads or anime porn. It will never be as new and exciting as that first real date, ever again.

Please take me on a date. If we go out to eat, please pay for my meal. It’s not that I’m a gold-digger; it’s just that I’ve run out of edible combinations for the pickles, peanut butter, and fiber crackers that make up the remains of my kitchen cupboards at home. If I plan the date, or suggest eating while we’re out, it’s because I’m hungry at that moment, and I promise that I will pay for whatever I get, be it Starbucks, or lo mien. But if you’re the genius who came up with the idea of going to that crazy-expense new sushi place because it boasts aphrodisiac sea creatures and the “romantic atmosphere” you hope will get yourself laid, please pay for my meal. I signed on for a date, not a second mortgage.

Please take me on a date. I promise to act like a normal human being. I will not ask you if you can do the M.C Hammer dance, because I really want the groom at my wedding to be able to do it with his groomsmen while wearing Stormtrooper helmets. I promise to stay off hot-button issues like politics, my lack of religion, and your pants. I promise to at least smile at your jokes, if not laugh at them, and only discuss things that I’m passionate about, like living in Italy and the Impressionist art period, so I light up from the inside and come to life, not things I’m passionate about, like sticking it to my ex and how I loved Mark Wahlberg even when he was Marky Mark. Especially in those magical white boxer-briefs. I promise to hold my fork the etiquette-class way, and not like I’m getting ready to spear your hand if you reach across to steal one of my fries. I promise to order more than the salad.

Please take me on a date. Make the first move at the end of the evening. Unless I’ve been blatantly yawning at you or texting through the entirety of our time together, it’s a pretty safe bet that I’m giving you the female air traffic control signs to align your lips with either my cheek, or if you’re feeling particularly dangerous, my own. Even if we don’t kiss goodbye because I am hacking up a lung and possibly my left kidney, and though you’re willing to swap cigarettes with me, you’re worried that your immune system will not be able to keep it’s shit together if it meets with my saliva, just know that I am wearing nice underwear. Though the chances of you actually seeing them at this juncture are slimmer than the chances of Nixon ever admitting to being the mastermind behind not only Watergate, but the Snuggie, too, just know that were we to somehow trip over a storm drain and a freak gust of hurricane wind were to rip our clothes off on the way down, and I landed on top of you…yes, these are from Victoria’s Secret.

XOXO

- From SATCG

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SATCG Dating Humor Columns

January 15, 2011


Irish art galleries and I have similar senses of humor.
XOXO

Irish art galleries and I have similar senses of humor.

XOXO

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Humor Innuendo Ireland Art

Reblogged from ohhellothereyou:

This email is a bucket full of win. (NOTE: I mention that I love real NY pizza in my profile)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Real high-quality dating, here.
XOXO

Reblogged from ohhellothereyou:

This email is a bucket full of win. (NOTE: I mention that I love real NY pizza in my profile)

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Real high-quality dating, here.

XOXO

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Dating Food Humor

January 17, 2011


January 19, 2011


Oh my.

Tell me what you see here.

That’s his sword. No, really— that’s his sword.

And that’s my mom’s and my responses when we saw it. Priceless.

XOXO

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Art Boboli Gardens Dick Jokes Firenze Italia Humor Inappropriately Awesome Family

January 23, 2011


The truth is Luke never got any Jedi training on Dagobah. Sometimes a man just wants to be ridden through a swamp by a goblin. #StarWars

From DeathStarPR on Twitter.com

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Star Wars Humor Men These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things Twitter

January 29, 2011


Puff, puff, pass, please, Mr. Statue.
Perugia, Italy.
XOXO

Puff, puff, pass, please, Mr. Statue.

Perugia, Italy.

XOXO

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Weed Smoking Bad Habits Perugia Italia Art Humor These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

February 7, 2011


Reblogged from 20secondpartygirl.
"This will forever be the day known as ‘The Day I Almost Got Arrested For Smokin’ A Doobie’!"
XOXO

Reblogged from 20secondpartygirl.

"This will forever be the day known as ‘The Day I Almost Got Arrested For Smokin’ A Doobie’!"

XOXO

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Weed Smoking Js Sex and the City Carrie Bradshaw Humor

February 10, 2011


"I feel like an agitated dolphin, cornered in Sea World."

Last night the boy learned that some prescription pharmaceuticals are not meant to be mixed with alcohol and recreational substances. 

For awhile there, I was in the Shamu show.

XOXO 

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Life Bad Habits Oops Men Inappropriately Awesome Humor Drugs

Girl Talk: Enlightenment.

  • Madison: Oh man. I got really high yesterday and spent some time convinced I was Buddha.
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Best thing I've heard lately. Real facts.
  • XOXO

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Girl Shit Weed Smoking Oops Humor

A coworker years my junior asked me if I was going to dinner with him tonight. Not an hour later, a guy that used to sleep with one of my friends chatted me up about going out for drinks later. All of this the day the guy I’m seeing asks to come into work with me, and picks me up later in his friend’s brand new Mercedes in the campus parking lot in front of some verrrrry jealous biddies. 

This has confirmed my suspicion: The only thing you need to get a date is another date. When it rains, it pours, and women in relationships are more attractive than single women to men. Huhn.

XOXO

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Men Dating Random Musings Humor

February 11, 2011


Girl Talk: Love You Like It's 1995.

  • I just honestly need to get affirmation from him-- OTHER than sex-- that he finds me attractive.
  • Madison: I know what you mean. Having _____ tell me he likes my ass is not exactly soothing.
  • It's like, great, but when I'm clothed and standing next to 10 other girls downtown...then what do you think of me?
  • Madison: Well, if I'm wearing my mini, I apparently look "super fly." Wrong decade, man.
  • Really? How old is he?
  • Madison: 25 going on 1995.
  • XOXO

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Girl Shit Relationships Words Humor Friends Madison Made My Day

February 14, 2011


What Not To Do on Valentine’s Day.
I know this may make me a horrible person, but I think this is the most hysterical thing I’ve read lately. Oh, Fiddy. You crack me up.
XOXO

What Not To Do on Valentine’s Day.

I know this may make me a horrible person, but I think this is the most hysterical thing I’ve read lately. Oh, Fiddy. You crack me up.

XOXO

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Fiddy Preggo and Need Not To Be People Changing The World Humor Inappropriately Awesome

February 20, 2011


Breathe deep. Think Raptor Party.
XOXO

Breathe deep. Think Raptor Party.

XOXO

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Humor Inspiration Parody Advice Party Nerd