February 22, 2011


To the person browsing my other blog looking for porn, I really want to be like, “Hey Al, buddy. Do you really think it’s a good idea to customize your iPad with your name and then go searching for college girl porn on sites that use tracking data?” But I think that may be an invasion of privacy, though whose— his or mine— I don’t know. Hysterical to think about, all the same. Stupid people fascinate me.

Would you do it?

XOXO

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SATCG Hilarious Big Sister Is Watching Random Musings

March 21, 2011


The guy I’m seeing is a massive Stargate fan. As a treat, I am seriously considering the application or shaving of the Stargate Earth symbol somewhere on my body (temporarily, of course).

Does this make me the coolest girl ever? I think so.

XOXO

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Closet Nerd Awesome Relationships Couples Hilarious Bodies

March 24, 2011


March 28, 2011


Best Line Of The Evening:

  • I hate that moment after sex where you get up and RUN for the bathroom. I'm always just like, "Great. Jizz in the hallway."
  • I grab a clean sock. And create a temporary diaper while I do the dash, haha. ...This is only at my house.
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. BEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD. I am learning a whole new side to the human race. And thus, you have just made my day.
  • XOXO

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Girl Shit Quotes Random Musings Sex Friends Hilarious Inappropriately Awesome

April 1, 2011


April 4, 2011


You know those moments in life when you’re on Facebook and a wall-to-wall convo or frequently commented-on thread pops up in your “Top News” feed, and you read it, and realize that somebody DEFINITELY woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, or didn’t eat their Special K (and yes, by that, I DO in fact mean ketamine), or is just really having a Bad Day and the World Is NOT Understanding Their Pain And Further Pissing Them Off? (True Confessions: I have a lot of these days.) 

…Yeah, I will not be contacting TGIS first today.

XOXO

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Facebook TGIS Moody Emotions Hilarious Couples

April 6, 2011


I find it absolutely hilARious when overly cynical little hipster girls under the age of 20 get asked all sorts of disgustingly pornographic things on Tumblr after they post overly-promiscuous, world-weary shit or (gasp!) nudes of themselves, or the obligatory “tight-fitting shirt with no bra” pic. Because seeing a waif of a (not-to-mention JAILBAIT) thing with itty-bitty titties is what we’re all on here for, right?

…I mean, I thought that was just me.

The thought of this tiny little 17 year old thing in her size-2 custom cut-off shorts, bearing her midriff and painting the eyeliner on heavy, twisting her (asymmetrically cut) hair around her finger while looking at the screen and being like, “Alaskan Pipeline? Whaaaa…?” before going to Urban Dictionary and looking it up and being like, “OHMYGOD, PERV!” and taking a moment to compose herself to answer it with something droll and sarcastic like, “Oh yeah, all the time. I’m just such a big fan of all of Sarah Palin’s work,”…that thought, and the fact that people obviously go out of their way to set these girls up like that…just BLOWS. MY. MIND.

Get back to me after you’ve moved out of home, leased an apartment, DON’T regularly post conversations you have with your parents, and have a few relationships with decent men in which (legal) bar-hopping and regular sleep-overs in said leased apartment are a part of your life, along with part-time paychecks that never quite cover the utilities, major college papers, and his passing gas and his toothbrush resting up against yours.

Ugh. 

While we’re on this note, however, I am personally SHOCKED that I have never been on the receiving end of such anon (or otherwise) messages, considering my frequent content matter and openness. …This is NOT an invitation to start. I think the closest I’ve ever come were the Russian phone sex operators who would leave me cute broken English comments about how much they liked the fact I was speaking out, along with a link to their BDSM site, on SATCG. I deleted them, but those eager little messages from women who pretend to wield whips and chains all day really made me cherish them. Awww…

…See? I may be a bitch, but I’m not quite so jaded.

XOXO

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Jailbait Ugh SATCG Hilarious Hate The Biddies Ask Me Innuendo

April 7, 2011


heaadrussh:

pure swag

Gotta love laundry day!
XOXO

heaadrussh:

pure swag

Gotta love laundry day!

XOXO

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Swag Steez Clothing Hilarious

Girl Talk: Like A Bad Romance Novel.

  • He touched my thigh. Because of the pleather leggings.
  • Madison: Aw, yay!! With his hand!?
  • No, with his DICK. Yes, with his hand.
  • Madison: I didn't know if you meant a thigh brush.
  • Oh, hahahha, no, with his hand. ..."And suddenly, he was stroking my thigh."
  • XOXO
  • Seriously, those pleather leggings pimp me out better than Kat Williams could have in the good ol' days.

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Girl Shit Madison Hilarious Romance Me Jailbait Clothing

April 8, 2011


As we’ve all probably noted by now, I’ve got a little bit of an entrepreneurial bend…mostly because I’m always strapped for cash. So it should be no surprise that I’ve just come up with my latest money-making endeavor, namely— breeding my cat.

Yeah, I know, this seems like a terrible idea, but let me count the ways in which choosing to breed my Nicco (that’s Nicolai La Citta to those breeders of you out there who like a nice, long, and impressive show name,) to your little lady-cat would actually be an awesome decision:

- As evidenced by the photos above, he has a sterling disposition. Hand-raised by me since he was a month old, Nicco’s got a really go-with-the-flow personality. You can literally do anything with this cat— hold him upside-down, toss him, perch him on your shoulder like a parrot, force-cuddle him…scratching and biting don’t come naturally to him, so the chance of having mailable kittens is pretty good.

- He’s highly personable and interactive. Unlike most cats, he won’t run and hide, and in fact, is exceptionally needy. He craves human interaction and is always up in your biznazz, wanting to be included in things. (In many aspects, he’s very much like a dog.) He’s always the life of our parties, greeting everyone and crawling into laps. In fact, the only person he’s ever not truly enjoyed was the guy I’ve been seeing…Nicco’s kingly enough to assume that he should be the only man sleeping in my bed.

- Our vet tells us he’s partially Siamese, which accounts for the fact that he’s highly talkative. If you mimic his meows and yowls back to him, he’ll engage you in a full-on conversation. He’s got a diverse and interesting variety of vocal noises, from a roll in the back of his throat like an old-fashioned telephone ring, to a high-pitched yelp he makes while yawning.

- Born of humble beginnings, his highly distinctive coat markings really stand out. His brown base-coat is accented with heavy and dark black tiger stripes, and silver tips. The fur on his belly has a unique “snow leopard print” with round rosettes…something I’ve never seen on any other domestic short-hair tiger. 

- While I’ve watched him run into walls, he’s also intelligent enough to know several voice commands, and a few tricks. Hopefully, his highly teachable mindset would be passed down to his offspring.

- Nicco’s best friends are the neighbor’s dogs, and he’ll play with them as if he’s one of them. (He’s a brave little dude.) He’s interacted with lady-cats before, and is DEFINITELY looking for some springtime lovin’, if his crying at the front door lately is of any indication. An indoor cat strictly, Nicco is pampered, exercised, and in prime condition, with not an ounce of fat, and sharp senses. 

- Weighing in at roughly 7 pounds, Nicco is fully-grown and in healthy weight, yet is what we refer to as a “miniature cat.” He and his mother are the same size, and his father (a longhair, so that may give some recessive longhair traits to his offspring,) isn’t much larger. This is the perfect size cat for apartment living, or for children, since “minature cats” look exactly like a fully-grown, regular size cat, but are on a child’s size scale.

- While I am not promising anything, here, I am allergic to cats with high dander concentration, and I’ve never gotten so much as a sniffle from Nicco, not even when he used to sleep on my head as a kitten. (He really did.) 

$$$ While no cat is really “free”— believe me, I got Nicco for free, and $600 worth of vet bills later to have him vaccinated, checked out, hydrated, and tested, he’s now my "Manolo Cat"— and adopting a kitten from the shelter or vet’s can cost anywhere from $25 to $100, and purebreds from breeders can cost from $500 up to $1,000, why don’t you decide to breed with Nicco, get the looks, attitude, and vocal chords of a really fun pet, and only spend $150 for stud fees, on guarantee of live young? That’s a STEAL for such a package! $$$

So now that I’ve convinced all y’all that not only am I very, VERY bored, but also a crazy young cat woman, tell me— if you had a lady cat and wanted kittens, would you bite for my little stud-muffin? 

XOXO

….In all seriousness, now, how’s THAT for an example of creative/technical writing and the sort of sample a writer can just whip the fuck up? See, you can write about ANYTHING.

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Cats Nicco Hilarious Writing Jokes Breed Your Cat Catwoman

April 11, 2011


Irony.

I’ve always said, karma is a bitch, and irony is her mother.

Too hilarious sometimes.

XOXO

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Graduation Hilarious Jailbait Life Karma

April 15, 2011


I had a totally random and inappropriate dream last night in which I was attending college AT PRINCETON and was coerced into making out with one of my exes (who in real life, I’m still ironically “friends when I see you around town” friends with, which made it ALL the more weirder) after in my dream, he drunkenly walked into my dorm room convinced it was his, and tried getting into my bed, so I had to get up and ever-so-helpfully bring him down the hall to his OWN room, at which point he cornered me in his door and started making out with me.

Now, THIS is where it gets interesting.

Because this whole thing between he and I never worked out in real life due to the fact that I literally felt NOTHING for him. No chemistry. No spark. No lust. NADA. I mean, he’s an attractive guy. Of all the dudes I’ve been with, he definitely had one of the nicest bods. But really, you know that it would have NEVER worked when even in my dream, I was standing there, back pressed against the door-jam, thinking, “Well, you’re drunk, so I’ll give this to you, but…nope…ok, I just felt your saliva on my cheek. We’re done now. And goodnight to you, sir!”

Moral of the story: Even though I may have flunked it in high school, chemistry is muy, MUY importente. 

XOXO

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The Ex-Files Dream Big Small Tadpole Hilarious Chemistry Relationships

April 18, 2011


Went to type in an ex’s name in the search bar of Facebook. (Yes, I know.)

Typed in “sex” instead.

…Telling, huh?

XOXO

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Hilarious Oops The Ex-Files Relationships Sex

April 19, 2011


April 22, 2011


Just realized how truly ironic in hindsight it is that if you were to ask the newest ex to name ONE SONG that I like, he’d tell you, immediately, this one.

It was “our song” that we would both agree to listen to on repeat as I drove him home and sang along.

Now, I ask you, please listen to the lyrics.

…NOW you see why I cracked up about it when I just thought of this while sitting on the toilet and being morose.

XOXO

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Music The Ex-Files TGIS Bad Ass Bitches Irony Hilarious