January 18, 2011


Close Encounters of the Girl Kind

What are the five most awkward or nerve-wracking situations a girl can get herself into today? What are the things that make us lose sleep at night, or break into cold sweats at sweltering house parties? When are the times that you can actually see fear in our eyes like the look that a guy gets as he walks up the front steps of his date’s house for the first time? (Always thought that was a hilarious and telling moment to watch.) Here are the top 5 situations that a group of women I polled at work agreed on as the things that we worry about the most, and the quick, sweet fixes for them. You’re smart, you’re pretty, now how about being a little less awkward?

Situation 1: Close Encounters of the Girl Kind
It’s always awkward when you bump into a girl who used to see or sleep with the same guy that you’re seeing. There’s always that implicit understanding of who’s doing what or who’s done whom. I’m nervous and defensive by nature, but I learned quickly that being a bitch gets you nowhere— it’s always better to smile, say “hey,” and ask them how they’re doing. The thinking is that if you’re nice, it’s hard not to like you— if something is still going on, they’ll feel worse about it (believe me, I’ve been on both sides of this one), or if it’s all over, it’s always easier to concede defeat to someone you actually like. Make sure you always smile, wave, or say hi first. Ask them about something going on in their life. Be interested. Your confidence will shake anyone with lesser confidence off, and appears as if you’re perfectly in control of the way things are, even if you’re not. This can also be called “gesturing,” “peacocking,” or “being alpha bitch.”

Situation 2: Hold The Phone
Even Ron Jeremy agrees that when someone he’s with is texting constantly, it makes him, King Dong, worry about the presence of another dude. “If I see men’s cologne in a girl’s bathroom or if she is texting constantly, it’s a big turnoff.” Same goes for women. Nothing makes me more morbidly curious than a cell phone vibrating on a nightstand at 2 AM. Maybe your dude friends are insomniacs too, but I doubt it. Maybe it’s because I’m under the general persuasion that since bars close at 2, that’s a late-night drunk booty call, because, let’s face it, we’ve all been the one sending that text, but honestly, nothing makes me feel less likely to get in the mood than wondering what the fuck is going on and if someone else wants to be in my place on my side of the bed. So…if I can be cognizant enough to either tell the other men I’m talking to to stop texting me past midnight, or to turn my ringer and vibrate OFF, I really feel like for peace of mind and in an active effort to not kill the mood, it’s not too much to ask that other people do it as well.

Situation 3: The Rag’s a Drag
I think we can all generally agree that when you’re turned on, you’re turned on. For men, this isn’t much of a problem. For women, Mother Nature has other plans for us a week out of every month. Some women don’t mind having sex while they’re menstruating, but for others, it’s a definite “no.” Unfortunately, biology fucked us ALL over, because when a woman is ovulating or during her week long of Bloody Sundays is when she’s at her most attractive. Our faces get brighter and shiner. Our hips swivel more when we walk. We smell better and our hair is softer. And, to quote my drunk-ass self, we have “luscious tits.” Understandably, men find us attractive. So, how do you turn away a dude who wants to be all up in your business when you’re closed for business, without having to go into the gory details and make a pick-up a bad B-rated bloody slasher movie? Simple— tell him that you’d love to, but you already have made other plans (for that night if it’s not too late, like at 1 AM, or for the next morning, like a breakfast date), and then tell him you’d like to make a rain-check for another time. This implies that you’re interested, yet not flaky, and are open to things happening…just at another point in time, like when Trojan has replaced Tampax as your best friend. Actually, in cases other than that time of the month, the sandwich of “I’d love to, but I already have plans for early tomorrow morning…can we make a rain-check?” is a winner. Memorize it. Practice it. Use it.

Situation 4: Don’t Mention The War!
Speaking of sending 2 AM texts… So you sent a text you maybe shouldn’t have. It was late; you were impaired; you were lonely; your vibrator had broken. You wake up the next morning after being either ignored or turned down flat, and you kinda want to kill yourself, or at least relinquish rights to your phone and your snatch. Rather than taking a vow of chastity, there’s an easier and less sucky way to remedy things: Just don’t call or text again for awhile. People forget things easily over time, and even if you were coming off as presumptuous or needy, NOT being in contact like it ain’t no thang for awhile will rectify that view. Give it a week, live your life, do your own thing. Buy a new vibrator. Next time you see or talk to the text’s recipient, act nonchalant, like it never happened and you, too, have experienced mild amnesia. Be like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers— “Don’t mention the war!”

Situation 5: Bringing Up Exey
Sometimes, you just can’t help it. Sometimes, you talk about your ex. Sometimes, it comes up in conversation— they ask for more information or about where it went wrong, or, like me, you get people confused and end up looking at your current S.O and saying, “Are you the one who slept with night lights, or are you the one who’s afraid of roller coasters?” Yeah. It can get a little awkward. Possibly MOST potentially awkward, however, is the fact that the memorial tattoo I’m planning on getting shortly partially includes the last name of a guy I was romantically involved with for awhile, though first and foremost, we were close friends. Things like that, however, shouldn’t be hard to explain. You should be able to say, “I loved him, and I lost him, and this is my way of honoring his memory.” If someone doesn’t get that, then they’re a jackass. What can be harder, however, is when the person you’re seeing asks you, “Was that the best sex of your life, or what?” I keep very close tabs on what I consider the best sex I’ve ever had. What usually is best in this situation is a non-committal “mmmm.” Generally, people know the best sex of their life when they find it. Lying doesn’t cover anything in that aspect.

XOXO

P.S— For more advice for anything from what cute flats to wear at the office to how to be a better friend, visit Molly at smartprettyandawkward.com.

- From SATCG

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January 19, 2011


Girl Talk: Ain't My Boyfran

  • Caiti: Fine. He yo man fran, yo.
  • XOXO

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Girl Talk: Hollywood Kiss

  • To Caiti: The girly side of me waved the white flag, laid down, and sighed.
  • XOXO

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January 20, 2011


I aspire to be as fucking adorable as this girl is.
I’ve got the hair down.
…That’s about it.
XOXO

I aspire to be as fucking adorable as this girl is.

I’ve got the hair down.

…That’s about it.

XOXO

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January 23, 2011


Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

  • Nora: So, what would your nickname be?
  • Me: I don't know...Commander Box?
  • Nora: Sergeant Tibbles needs a quick debriefing with Commander Box?
  • Me: Debriefing...de-BRIEFING...OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!
  • My best friend. She's so witty and clever.
  • XOXO

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January 25, 2011


I operate under this weird assumption that one of me should be enough for one man, and he doesn’t have to go looking anywhere else.

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January 26, 2011


Girl Talk: Being A Bitch.

  • I always think "C is for CUNT." I am such a bitch.
  • Hahaha, that works too.
  • If I have the wrong end of the stick and meet her and she's really nice and is a lesbian or has some adorable little hipster boyfriend or something, I'm going to feel SO BAD. ...I like how I jump to her being a lesbian first.
  • I mean, that's the best option.
  • XOXO

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Girl Talk: Women on Men.

  • Problems with the kid from home-- 1. He asked if it was weird that he likes clothes shopping, 2. He just told me that he was looking through a seed catalog and would ideally spend all of his disposable income on seeds.
  • So he likes clothes and gardening. At least he'd never complain his ass off about shopping with you. And _____'s favorite hobbies were gardening and antiquing, no lies.
  • Haha!
  • _____ was a bird watcher. ______ painted tiny figurines. Men are WEIRD in their hobbies and what they like.
  • True. Although sometimes I like it better when they keep their hobbies easy-- Guns, snowboarding, and protein shakes.
  • XOXO

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January 27, 2011


Girl Talk: What Women Want.

  • Caiti: I want this dress for my semi-formal next week.
  • Oh my god. It's so perfect. And so you!
  • Caiti: I knoooooooooow. And so $150.
  • Yeahhhhh...anyone you want to sleep with for money before next week? I joke, I joke...
  • Caiti: Hahahahaha, I wiiiiiiiiiiish.
  • Ohhhhhhhh noooooo, speaking of expensive things we can't afford but want desperately, one of my friends found a dog out in the blizzard in NYC and took her in for the night-- they're looking for the owners, but have a feeling she may have been dumped and she's SO CUTE and I WANT HERRRRRRRRRRRR. RESCUE A PUPPYYYYYYYY. FOREVER BE DESENSITIZED TO THE FEELING OF HELPLESSNESS AND DOING NOTHING TO THE ASPCA/SARAH MCLACHLAN COMMERCIALS.
  • Caiti: Omg....she's so cute.
  • WANT. HER. can't. afford. her. Even free. Can't afford to get her from New York, spay her, or feed her.
  • Caiti: Exactly.
  • GODDAMMIT. Well, think of it this way, you wouldn't have to spay or feed your dress.
  • XOXO

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After seeing the trailer for Friends With Benefits, I’ve compiled a list of Things A Woman Never Wants To Find Between Her Legs: 1.) Justin Timberlake. 2.) Justin Timberlake, singing. 3.) ANYTHING SINGING. 4.) Jazz hands. 5.) Crocodile Eye: When you look down to see how things are looking, and all you see is their eyes. Peering at you. Silently asking for approval. REPTILE. IF YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME, YOU ARE NOT COMPLETELY FOCUSED ON THE TASK AT…anyway. SUBMERGE AGAIN AND LICK!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0ohJyykwL8

XOXO

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January 29, 2011


Girl Talk: The Human Lint Roller.

  • Julia: I don't think I've ever been with a man with any body hair other than from the stomach down.
  • Me: Do you want some hair? Because I know some guys who are looking to get rid of some.
  • Alli: I don't know WHY you attract such hairy men.
  • Me: The good news is, if I were ever raped, my vagina is like, "BITCH, YOU AIN'T GETTIN' AWAY WITHOUT A DNA SAMPLE!"
  • XOXO

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January 30, 2011


Girl (And Guy) Talk: Procreation

  • Guy, while rubbing the girl's belly: Babies?
  • Girl: I sure as hell hope not.
  • Guy, still rubbing: I think I can feel the babies. ...You don't like babies, but I like to bust a nut.
  • OH GOD NO. Terrifying.
  • XOXO

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February 1, 2011


Hard Bargains.

"It’s snowing…I will trade you a pregnancy test for a roll of toilet paper."

Let no one ever say New England girls ain’t classy.

XOXO

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