April 12, 2011


My decadent cum glazing your beautiful face would rival the Mona Lisa! - Casanova
Anonymous

Ohhhhh, my first totally inappropriate anon Tumblr “Ask.” I take this to mean I’ve finally made it.

A.) Thanks for the compliment, but I like my art without bodily fluids.

B.) Cum is many things. Decadent, it is not. Not my steez, sorry.

C.) All you’ve accomplished now, Casanova, is making me crave a donut with my coffee.

D.) Heath Ledger played the part better.

XOXO

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April 14, 2011


"…our flesh itself becomes food for maggots at the end of our days, no matter who you are, a king or a pauper.

I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Hamlet paper. You make me thusly moody, pessimistic, and angst-y. Be finished with you!

XOXO

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Life College Shakespeare Hamlet Moody Eww

April 16, 2011


I heard “Changing” by the Airborne Toxic Event for the first time today and promptly almost threw up over the lyrics.

"Didn’t I ask for a place I could stay; what were we both thinking? The next part just got in the way. You were just always talking about changing. What if I was the same then, the same I always was? Days pass and turn into weeks, when we don’t even speak. We just lay wide awake and pretend we’re asleep. You go home alone and you’re checking your phone and you’re looking at me like I’m something you own. All these buckets of rain, you can’t forget about it, you say I never tried. I am a gentleman, didn’t I answer every time that you call, pick you up when you fall? But you never listen at all. You were just always talking about changing. Guess what, I am the same man."

UGH. HELLO, STORY OF EVERY RELATIONSHIP I’VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

XOXO

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Music Relationships TGIS Emotions Eww

June 9, 2011


Girls Who Think Their Bra Counts As A Top. Conversely, Girls Who Think That Their Bra Sticking Out Of Their Neckline Is Considered “Layering.”

Look, I hate wearing shirts as much as the next hippie-dippy, back-to-nature semi-nudist, but…

NO.

XOXO

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Women Clothing Eww Real Fuckin' Classy

September 21, 2011


September 27, 2011


If this is how you’d define love…
A.) You disgust me, and
B.) Just wait until you grow up, teenager.
Who wrote this definition, Stephenie Meyers?
Love IS. That’s it. It doesn’t rule your life. It doesn’t make or break you. It just happens.
XOXO

If this is how you’d define love…

A.) You disgust me, and

B.) Just wait until you grow up, teenager.

Who wrote this definition, Stephenie Meyers?

Love IS. That’s it. It doesn’t rule your life. It doesn’t make or break you. It just happens.

XOXO

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Love Truth Eww Yikes Definitions

September 29, 2011


Country cable: Watching your cat chase mice around the house.

XOXO

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Life Cats Nicco Eww Country Mouse TV The Simple Life

October 1, 2011


Solved the Mystery of the Missing Gym Socks.

My ex is wearing them.

I apparently left them behind in the move, probably down in the washer or dryer, since those machines were his domain and I did not go near them. He probably found them during a sock-less raid and thought, what the fuck, why not. I do not even know how it is possible he got his land-boats into my Chinese schoolgirl-size gym socks, but he did.

I mean, hey— what’s sharing socks after sharing bodily fluids, right?

…Still eww. Foot sweat. Needless to say, I’m letting him keep them. He has more need for them than me.

Nevertheless, Sherlock Holmes, eat yer heart out. Boom— case closed.

XOXO

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Life Clothing The Ex-Files Mystery Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Literature Books Sherlock Holmes Eww

November 9, 2011


My cat just had a wet dream while sleeping on my bed beside me. It was easily the most disturbing thing I’ve ever had to bear witness to against my own free will. I am going to go bathe my eyes in bleach now, thanks.

I could never have boys. Just the thought of something that I’m supposed to be in charge of, running around the house, ejaculating on my nice things…no. Just no. It’s girls or eunuchs for me.

…I WISH I were kidding about that.

XOXO

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Life Eww Cats Nicco Men vs. Women Kids Babies I'm Going To Go Kill Myself Now Thanks

November 27, 2011


Confessions Of A Storefront “Mannequin.”

Ok, look, dude— I know I said “hi” to you early and smiled brightly when we made unintentional awkward eye-contact as you walked down the hall of the mall. It really wasn’t my fault— I was trying to see if my friend was working across the hall, and you just happened to be walking right past as I was looking. So I HAD to say “hi.” If I didn’t, it would have been impolite. I mean, I’m in retail, man. I get paid to dress up and flirt with male customers in hopes that sooner or later, some of them will either decide he needs 10 watches and asks me out or doesn’t love his wife enough to deign to flirt with me while he’s picking her wedding ring up from the repair shop. I do not wear these 5 inch come-fuck-me pumps for my health; I stand out here on our lease line and fake a killer inseam length to try to get you IN HERE to BUY THINGS, or, at the very least, to pump you for a credit ap.

I’m sorry; I know it all seems very fake. I’m a nice person, really, I swear. This economy sucks, and this is what I had to sink to to get by. I don’t like it any more than you do, believe me.

But dude, just because I said “hi” to you earlier, and treated you nicely when you came in, and may have laughed at your jokes and made conversation while you bought your sister a pair of earrings DOES NOT— in any world— give you the right to come up so personally, disgustingly close while I’m on my lunchbreak, waiting to fill my maw with food for the first time in the day at 3 PM, and rub your hard-earned 30-rack beer belly up against me while creepily mouth-breathing down the back of my neck and asking me, “So what are you buying me?”

I’m sorry— what. NO.

I think that look that I unintentionally, fleetingly gave you before my brain caught up with my instictive reflexes told you enough, and not to try that ever again. Because seriously, dude, my manners toward customers does not extend past our security system’s reach, and I swear to god, I will “accidentally” put my spike heel right through the toe of your sneakers. I’m not a timid, shy little girl. You can’t bully me into letting you be a creep. In the future, I promise to refrain from ever looking at you again— believe me, not a hard one— and I certainly won’t say hey or ask you what’s up. Gentlemen (and I use that term ever so loosely), just because a girl is nice to you doesn’t give you the cojones or right to rub up on her, physically, or verbally. So please, just remember— it’s the job talking. I really don’t need you or your wandering hands in my life. I’m good, thanks.

Seriously.

XOXO

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December 6, 2011


I JUST FOUND A RANDOM TICK CRAWLING ON MY LEG. I LOVE MY CATS; THEY ARE DEAD TOMORROW.

Life is too much I will never stop scratching now. Ruined.

XOXO

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December 20, 2011


I just got a text from this guy who was present for The Dude’s and my second date that said, “I know that you’re dating (The Dude) but I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me sometime?”

…really. Really? I think you have your answer all ready right there, sir.

I mean, I definitely commended him for his bravery and initiative going out on that limb and was kind about turning him down, but from a girl’s perspective, that’s a pretty shifty thing to do. That’s like saying, “Hey, I think your judgement in men sucks and that I’m a far better candidate for you than the person you like and have chosen for yourself!”

It COULD theoretically work, if you happened to be the Best Man on Earth or Ryan Gosling, but when you’re a random dude from the bar…not so much. I’ll pass, thanks.

Especially considering the fact that I compared you and The Dude to Steve Carell and Mark Wahlberg in “Date Night,” and The Dude was most definitely Marky Mark.

XOXO

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Dating Makes Me Want To Die Eww It's Raining Men The Dude Shady Truth Open Mouth Insert Foot Really?

January 25, 2012


Stories I Never Needed To Hear:

Dear Men of the World,

No matter what good friends we are, I never, under ANY circumstances, need to hear any story of yours that involves the phrases “bleeding out of my ass” or alternately, “anal seepage.”

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Will Never Go Into Graphic Descriptions Of Her Period Blood Clots, OK?

XOXO

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Conversations Friends Men vs. Women Manners Girl Shit Eww

February 14, 2012


What the fuck is with girls and scrapbooking, like with all the little stickers and shit you buy at Michael’s?

I honestly do not understand the appeal or why young women my age would be doing this already. I don’t have the time or desire to make scrapbooks of my life or relationships, because one would be very scary to see on paper and the other would be mostly brief and sad. (You decide which is which.) I keep my photos in frames that are visible always and my memories in my mind, where they belong. I don’t feel the need to infect everyone else with my carefully laid stickers and special, $5 papers in album form.

I mean, really, please— explain the significance to me, because maybe like not finding Adam Levine the sexiest thing on Earth, this may be a female trait that I just (mercifully) didn’t get.

XOXO

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