January 19, 2011

Oh my.

Tell me what you see here.

That’s his sword. No, really— that’s his sword.

And that’s my mom’s and my responses when we saw it. Priceless.


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January 26, 2012

…and yes, that is my legit size preference.

After being asked by two of my dude-guy friends last week and giving much thought to it…yes.


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June 13, 2012

December 15, 2012

Some took this picture because they thought it was pretty. People re-blogged it because they thought it looked cool. 
I saw this, and thought that the light-colored smudge in the middle of the glass looked like a cock and balls, and that was the point of why this photo was such a big deal.
Hello. I’m a pervert. Have we met?

Some took this picture because they thought it was pretty. People re-blogged it because they thought it looked cool. 

I saw this, and thought that the light-colored smudge in the middle of the glass looked like a cock and balls, and that was the point of why this photo was such a big deal.

Hello. I’m a pervert. Have we met?


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July 8, 2013

Ripped From My iPhone-- When Two People With Slightly Horrible (Him) And Perpetually Lewd (Her) Senses Of Humor Love Each Other And Are 1,500 Miles Apart:

  • Him: "Sorry, I just left the dam...went for a dip with ____ and ______."
  • Me: "I. Want. Your. "
  • "...life."
  • "...And your dick. I want your dick too."
  • Him: "I want you to. Share. It. With. Me."
  • Me: "Hahaha. Your life or your dick?"
  • Him: "I didn't see the dick part yet. But now that you mention it..."
  • Me: "We're so fucking romantic."
  • Him: "Hahaha fuck off, hahahaha."
  • Me: "Awwww, I thought you were asking me to share your dick and you were really saying share your life? That's about the sweetest, raunchiest, most totally us misunderstanding ever."
  • "You're cute. I'll keep you."
  • Him: "Indeed a misinterpretation for us two, not another explanation.
  • Never knew missing you would cause so much frustration.
  • It's like I'm missing me, the way I am with you,
  • When every action I have is so true; never know what I'd do if I wasn't missing you.
  • Only to know soon enough I'll be kissing you."
  • -(I feel the need to tell you now that he writes lyrics. Men spouting poetry at me is not a common occurrence in my life, I guarantee you.)-
  • Me: "I can't wait to see you. I may cry when you pick me up at the airport. I'm warning you now."
  • Him: "I'll punch you in the face if you do."
  • -Conversations when your long-distance partner doesn't have an iPhone but has a wicked sense of humor that you just GET can be fraught with adorable confusion over-lapping misinterpreted declarations of love. So aggravating, yet so rewardingly hilarious.-
  • ---
  • Me: "So I just ordered Chinese with a credit card since I have no cash, and since I feel horrible about not being able to tip the delivery guy, I've just decided to not put leggings on under my short t-shirt dress as consolation. Alternative tipping?"
  • Him: "So you're whoring yourself out now...knew it wouldn't take long!"
  • Me: "HEY."
  • -(I went home with him the first night I met him. I don't have much of a leg to stand on regarding what is sluttish versus unsluttish behavior with him.)-
  • Him: "Hahahahaha."
  • Me: "You're the one who flexed for an elderly lady on the side of the street. I'm being downright classy compared to that."
  • "...I also haven't showered in 3 days so there's also that not-appealing factor."
  • Him: "Hahahaaa."
  • Me: "By the way, do you need anything from out here when I come home?"
  • Him: "Like?"
  • Me: "I don't know. There's more shopping and shit out here so I didn't know if there was anything you needed that you can't get at home. Basically, I was being polite."
  • "And don't say 'your ass.' Because you're getting that anyway."
  • Him: "Aw. Well, I don't think so..."
  • Me: "Ok. Also, that was the worst Chinese I have ever had. NOTHING about the hot and sour soup was either hot OR sour. Basically, it should have been renamed, 'bland mucus soup'."
  • -The difference between my back-home boy and every other guy I've ever dated before is that I literally can tell him everything I'm thinking, and as of yet, it hasn't scared him off. And believe me. I've been testing him. My criteria for right now is if it's something I would tell my best friend or say to him while in bed and 3 martinis deep, GO FOR IT. There are things I've typed, thought about, erased, thought "Fuck it; if it scares him off, it's not meant to be," re-typed, and sent him anyway. And he still tells me he loves me at night, and I'm super freaking happy with him, so I would consider the "trial by fire and inner-dialogue" a success thus far. Score One for "being yourself." Whoever would have thought that hokey, lame-ass sentiment could be true.-
  • XOXO

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July 24, 2013

How NOT To Sext Like Anthony Weiner.

You were waiting for this, weren’t you? You knew as soon as the loaded “package” dropped yesterday that I’d have something to say on this subject, and you were right. Boy, oh boy, were you right. Where do I start?

Just in case you’re living under a rock, or under your workspace computer desk laden down with NSFW filters, or somewhere where there isn’t high-speed broadband internet (like, where? North Dakota?), Weinergate 2.0 broke yesterday when a flood of sexts from the former U.S representative from New York…who is already infamous from the Weinergate incident 1.0 back in June of 2011 sexting women via Twitter and other seedy online social sites that forced him to abdicate his post…well, oops, he did it again.

Weiner’s wiener, operating under the pseudonym “Carlos Danger”, moonlighted post-2011 scandal on a website called The Dirty, sexting AT LEAST a 22 year-old woman whose chats were leaked on Facebook and Formspring. (Let’s all wait with bated breath for more to come forward.) Containing lines such as “I must have cum thinking about you and looking at you 100 times. How does that make you feel? Gross?”, “I turn you around and bend you over the back of a chair. Your pussy asking for it,” and “Would you let me hold your hair while you gagged on my cock?”, the leaked chats have sent the American public, Twitter, the government, and every state south of Pennsylvania into a sexually-frazzled tizzy.

But before you get all hot and bothered, there were also these gems: “Why are u awake?” and, “My cat sat down on my keyboard.” 

Let he who has never sent a dick pic or swapped innuendo with some hot young thing cast the first stone. And let the first Casanova who was not tongue-tied (or text-tied) at some point during an electronic romance judge. Personally, I’m at lot more worried about the fact that one of our reoccurringly-elected officials writes in incomplete sentences. 

Here’s the real rub: Weiner’s, or rather, “Danger’s”, texts and behavior have been labeled “perverse” and “violent” by the media that has decided to take this story more seriously than just shaking their heads at the absurdity of his alias. I’m assuming that the people who can’t just let a man be mocked by the press without being called a “sexual predator” are either his political rivals or the same morons in Virginia who are currently trying to make oral and anal sex illegal. (Because, you know, they’re “gay.”) Let me tell you, the day that a man can’t use the words “gag on my cock” without being vilified is a very sad, strange day. Using that logic, my very sweet, very consensual boyfriend should probably be publicly flogged for some of the things he’s said in the throes of passion, and have his mouth washed out with soap. And I should probably be locked away in a mental institution for some of the suggestions I’ve spontaneously sexted him.

We live in a 21st century with a rampant fascination with pornography and scarily-smart phones that can film, capture, edit, filter, and send our own not-so-pretty pictures at our own random will, or be hacked by those operating for the forces of evil and public embarrassment. No matter how well-guarded you think you are, if you’re anyone of substance, the only safe way to keep your shady secrets and predilections to yourself is just not to put them out there in the first place. No sexting for you. Siiiiiiigh.

…Or, you can take the more take-charge approach to it and manage your content yourself.

So, we know Anthony Weiner likes it doggy-style and fantasizes about women gagging on his junk. We know that when erect, his (political) member roughly resembles…well, himself. Every. single. goddamn. time you put a piece of information anywhere on the internet, no matter your “privacy” settings or secure website certifications, assume that if it includes an ass and tits, it’s going to get out there. This is why I’ve curated my own collection of nudes right here on my Tumblr, so that I MYSELF was the first person to leak my naked and vulnerable body to the world. This is also why my boyfriend knows if he wants a pic from me, he has to specify, “Something FRESH that no one else has seen.” He’s a lot more protective of my body than I am, but then again, I’m a lot more realistic. After the third “where’s your wallet?” hide-n’-seek game in our relationship, I resigned myself to the fact that his not-password-protected dumbphone may at some point become lost, and all those nasty, filthy things I sexted him over the course of our long-distance relationship may end up on 4chan and I could become spontaneously famous, a la Kim Kardashian-style. So I have some pointers for you in the future, Anthony Weiner:

A.) Only send photos that you’re proud of. In this context, “proud” means whatever you’re comfortable with. I know a lot of dudes are into terrifyingly up-close shots of all sorts of things that make me squeamish thanks to our free-porn web-browsing society, but that just ain’t for me. I get turned on by artistic classic pin-up-style glamourpuss shots that are edited and filtered for maximum “if this leaks, I can always change my career” capability, so those are the only shots I’ll take and send. Tough cookies for those looking for the coochie.

Gentlemen, this roughly translates for you as, “Wash it and trim it and get under good lighting before you stroke it and click it.” Also, women are not quite as taken with money-shots as you are. I don’t live with semen. So I’m not quite as laissez-faire about it as you guys are. It kind of has the effect of making me want to speedily wash my sheets, not getting me all hot like you may want. There is, however, something majestic and noteworthy about an impressively engorged penis that about 98% of straight women will look at and think, “Wow, that’s a penis,” if nothing else.

B.) Own your fetishes. I mean, no, if someone hacked my phone and sent my mother an email of all the things I’ve sent my boyfriend late at night, I wouldn’t be really cool with it. But I like what I like. That’s who I am. We all have secrets about our sexuality, and they’re nothing that we should be ashamed of or make fun of anyone else for liking. Anal may not be your cup of tea, but that doesn’t make it “wrong” or something that only gay men do. Wanting to hold a woman’s hair back while she gags on your cock is not perverse or violent or anything to vilify someone for fantasizing about. In fact, speaking on behalf of a long-haired woman, I actually found the sentiment rather cute and helpful. Believe me. Long hair gets EVERYWHERE.

And C.) If you’re going to be thumb-fucking, as my father refers to carrying on relationships via electronic media, it might behoove you to do some reading up on erotica or talking (texting) dirty. “50 Shades Of Cutesy Terms For A Vagina” is not a place I suggest starting, for obvious reasons, unless you REALLY want to be sexting your partner about how they make your “inner goddess” want to do the horizontal cha-cha…with a bullwhip. Instead (and because I think the sort of people who DO sext are the same people who generally find themselves talking at least a little bit dirty in reality’s bed), think about the sort of language that you and your partner ACTUALLY use when you’re together. Start small. (Not literally; I’m not insinuating any size-related issues here.) Start with what you two refer to your naughty-bits as. Does he have a cock, or a dick? Does she have a clit, or a button? Is it a pussy, or a vagina, or a lady love-box? Do you two fuck, or do you make love to each other? Having a fun and acrobatic vocabulary will also help, as well as being able to use your imagination and vibrator correctly. Does he like it when you (verb) his (noun) real (adverb)? Does she prefer to be handled gently, or does she secretly get off on being a “dirty girl?” You two will know what each other likes better than anyone else, so another good place to start is to think back to Sexual Memory Lane and times and things that really got both your motors running and reference them like, “I was just thinking about that time at Burning Man with the peacock feathers and peyote…remember that? Mmmm, it’s giving me flashbacks again.” Getting “in the mood” this way and starting a little self-loving on your own beforehand I’ve found really loosens your inhibitions and gets the ball rolling. Especially if you tell your partner what you’re currently doing. Or send them a photo as proof. Just remember Rule A, and you should NEVER have to make conversation like, “My cat sat on my keyboard,” ever again. 

When the media hullabaloo boils down to it, and right-wing mayoral contestants stop clutching their hankies and pearls about it, the realism of the issue at hand is that we, as Americans, have to come to grips with the fact that if your 16 year old daughter is sexting, chances are, your elected politicians are, too. Politicians have sex. The Obama’s probably have some texts from the campaign trail when they were apart that they’d rather us not know about. Police officers and FBI agents have sex. Military officials have sordid little love-triangles that make NO SENSE to anyone, even themselves. Priests have sex (hopefully, not with little boys). We all have sex. It is LITERALLY part of life. And sexting is part of our 21st century sex lives. So let’s be more interested in the size of stimulus packages than what our politicians like to call their personal packages, ok, you guys?

A current mayoral candidate for NYC, Weiner has declined backing out of the race. ‘Atta boy! On behalf of every red-blooded, blue-voting American who owns a smartphone with high camera resolution between the ages of 14 and 65, you own those sadly dirty texts! In the words of Jasun Mark (@jasunmark on Twitter), “In 15 years, the scandal will be which politician was so uptight in college that there are no pictures of his junk anywhere on the Internet.”

Amen. America. The free; the proud; the freely proudly raunchy. Where everyone goes home to a happy ending. And that is my American Dream.


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July 25, 2013