January 27, 2011

Miss Communication

Communication is a funny, funny thing. But like any one-sided joke, I feel like one side of the conversation is always left hanging and unamused.

Some people are great communicators. Some people can talk and talk and talk about everything from the weather to their job to their passions to themselves to what the next door neighbor did this morning with his wife to their own desires to what other people desire. Some people are bad communicators. Some people are good listeners. Some people are me and will gladly pull teeth before they start to converse about their emotions. Some people are awkward communicators.

And then there’s men.

This recently came up while talking to a friend who was wondering why a guy hadn’t responded to a text she sent him.

I thought about what she said for a minute, weighing in with my personal experience before responding, and trying to be as helpful as possible. “I would have said something more than ‘Happy Easter’. I ‘Happy New Year’ and ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy Thanksgiving’-ed, and never got responses back. Many men have never responded to my holiday greetings, and both men that I have and have not slept with. I think men just look at those texts, grunt, file it away, and move on with life. Or devouring whatever cavebeast they just managed to maul and kill.” 

Personally, I think we women would get a lot further in keeping their attention if our clothing designers started using bacon as a fabric.

This frame of mind is pretty much the only thing that makes me keep my shit together when I myself send messages that never get responses or aren’t returned. Though I am pretty sure at this point that it is standard male procedure to read messages, respond to them in their mind, and then go back to whatever it was they were previously doing, sure that the telepathic message will get through, no bad feelings meant, nothing makes me want to sit in front of my computer more, fuming, and then scream like a she-banshee and bash the stupid little “no messages” or “empty inbox” icon with the closest heavy object. (Most likely, a shoe or the Murano glass ashtray.) Here is a thought: Sometimes, even if it is not required, or you don’t think it’s so very important, a response is not only nice, but proper good manners. 

No one is perfect— at the moment I have three outstanding messages to get back to, and one is over a month old— but it’s the effort that really counts, even if all it is is an “Ok” or an “I’ll see you then.” One of my favorite guys of all-time was the best friend of a guy I was seeing who never once failed to respond to a message, even if it was a text back saying, “Hey, I got your text.” When I met his mother, I gushed about what a great guy and great communicator he was for a solid five minutes. She was astounded and proud. I understand. It’s a rare thing these days.

Little things like that make all the difference to some people. Like the person who just sent you that “Happy Easter” text or that “Hey, here’s a reminder” email. So, um, here’s a hint— RESPOND if you care for that person or your previous and continuing relationship with them just even a little bit. Thank them, wish them the same, then end the conversation when you tell them that you’re busy with your family on the holidays instead of leaving them guessing. If you’re too swamped with work to take the time to answer their questions and write back, a brief “Really busy— I’ll get back to you ASAP,” will suffice and give them better peace of mind. Yeah, you shouldn’t have to jump to it and constantly be responding to texts and emails and messages, but really, when someone takes time out of their day to wish you good feelings or let you know that you’re on their mind or that they want to check in with you and make sure things like your 8 PM dinner appointment are still on, take a second— just a brief second— and let them know that you care, too. It can be a three word response, but it’s still an acknowledgement. Don’t push people away or upset them when it can be easily remedied. Life is too short. People mean too much.

Agree? Disagree? Want to tell me how we shouldn’t be chained to our personal messaging devices and be expected to wait on them hand and food? Tell me. C’mon. Respond. That’s what that comment box is for.



- Excerpt from SATCG, April 2010

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February 28, 2012

Online Dating: Read Between The Lines, Boys.

Dear men of every dating website there is (that’s right, Plenty Of Fish, I’m looking at you. And you, Match.com), I recently helped a friend whip his profile into shape, and in doing so, realized that I am either A.) Extremely gifted when it comes to male/female relation diffusion, or B.) Really good at throwing my fellow female population under the dating wheel. Maybe you’ve been on POF or OkStupid for a few months now, but haven’t quite gotten the overwhelming response of prostrate ladies throwing themselves across your front door’s threshold like you were hoping for. Or maybe you seem to be attracting the WRONG type of lady. Whatever your case may be, I’m here to help, and bare all secrets of how the female mind works (or ceases all logical function and goes on fairytale day-dream mode, whatever the case). Here’s the advice I gave my friend. It’s smart. It’s functional. It’s also diabolic and sneaky, and you’ll probably learn to love it. In any case, mazel tov, and best of luck to you!


"Ok, I’m because I really AM friendly and likable and I want to prove it, I want to do something for you. Using my mad super-powers and wily female deductive reasoning skills honed after years of being a love/sex/relationship columnist, I went though your profile to figure out why you’re not getting lucky with the ladies, because when I’m happy and meeting people, I want EVERYONE ELSE to be happy and meeting people. Here’s what I’ve come up with—

Lip-service, (or, in this online case, type-service,) is one of the most important things on this site. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come across a dating candidate’s profile, and no matter how slammin’ hot he was or what our match percentage was as told to me by OkStupid, I bugged out of there faster than Flo Jo when I saw something that was a red flag to me. Here are some things you may want to think about (keep in mind, I actually KNOW you unlike a lot of the women on this site, so I’m perfectly willing to admit my thoughts may be biased):

- “Running your mouth.” As a woman, I’m a little afraid of this. If I were your average intelligence Girl Next Door, I’d be worried about how you’d respond if I asked the age-old “does this make me look fat?” question. As a clever girl, this makes me worry about what would happen if I brought you home to meet my parents and you got into a raging debate about politics. Would you tell my dad he’s an idiot? A softer (more lady-friendly) way to say this might be “debating,” or “having opinions.” That tells me you’re educated, yet still down for lively discussion, which is always a good thing as long as it’s informed and respectful. Otherwise, the rest of your write-up bio was fine. The fact that you’re so obviously into music is a plus to every woman, and the bit about loving breakfast was CHARMING because it’s OBVIOUS that you’re passionate about it, which is quirky and cute and women eat that shit up.

- Coming across to your photos, I’d suggest adding more that have been taken of you not with your webcam. I know you go out and do fun things OTHER than sit in front of your computer all day, like I do (for work, naturally. Naturaaaaalllly.). If a girl comes across a photo with you and friends doing something outdoorsy or sportsy, it’s like Viagra for women, I swear. We all have this sort of “Notebook” fantasy ingrained in us biologically that tells us that a man who goes out there and kayaks/play soccer/does things with his hands will rebuild that old mansion for us and fix things and kill spiders for the rest of our lives together. Cheap trick, but it WORKS.

- Under the personality tab, a few things might be sending up that female red flag. While I know that being delightfully arrogant and confident is all part of your mystique, a girl who’s just browsing and doesn’t know you might be spooked that the first thing up there is arrogance, unless she’s a pretty hot pistol herself, or she really likes jerks, or as Cosmopolitan magazine calls them, “bad boys.” It IS a female crutch, so you may want to use that info accordingly in your arsenal. If you play it up and even refer to yourself as a “little bit of a bad boy” in conversation, women eat that shit right up. We all have secret crutch for the James Deans and John Mayers of the world (until we reach a certain age and/or tolerance point and just want to settle down. While I’m there now, the majority of girls our age are NOT. So go free, and use your bad-boy charms!).

- Also, “less trusting” and “less love-driven” to me bring up this point: if you don’t trust women, and have expressed that you aren’t looking for love or a relationship, 9 times out of 10 a woman is going to assume that you’re just looking for sex and don’t really want to get to know her, or will end up cheating on her. If that’s the truth, all power to you for being up-front about it, and that way, no women will ever be able to say you tricked or mislead her. If that’s NOT the case, however, I just wanted you to be aware of it. One way of turning this around might be saying something like, “I’m new to the area and it’s hard for me to meet people with similar interests or check out the places only the locals know about.” While it may be complete bullshit, the easiest way for a woman to feel comfortable with a man she doesn’t know is by telling herself that they’re just going to be friends— hell, I’m chatting and planning outings with a few guys on this site right now who even IIIIIII am considering as “potential friend material” to psych myself out and actually go meet them. If you say you’re looking for friends to have a good time with, more women will be willing to take a chance because it’s easier to have a bad time out with a “new friend” than it is to have a bad time on a first date. We’ll take one risk, but generally, not the other. And that way, if you meet up for a coffee or a hike or whatever and DO have chemistry, she’ll always be willing to bump you up to the “potential date/sex-buddy” category and still be able to tell all of her friends, “Ohmigod, we were friends and then I realized how hot and great he was!” and she’ll sleep better at night about it.

- Coming into the homestretch, communication. You flat-said to me that you don’t like women. How is ANY woman supposed to respond to that? I mean, I’ve known you for years and think you’re a fun dude, but even I got offended. It puts our hackles up and sets us up for a bitchy response. If you’ve gotten out of a shitty relationship or aren’t sure what you’re looking for in a girl, there are better ways to say it, like, “I’ve been through some rough shit lately and am trying to get past it,” or “I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for on here, but I’ll know it when I see it,” or like in my case, “this is NOT what I’m looking for:” followed by a list. Most people find it easier to explain what they dislike rather than what they like. That way, again, you can spell out for a girl exactly what she’s getting into, which I look at as kind of like a dating pre-nup. I’d be stoned to death by other women for telling you this, but in that case, if she ever starts bitching to you about something later down the dating line, you can always say, “You knew from day 1. It was in my profile,” and that will guaranteed shut her up because it’s true and therefore, makes the end of an invalid argument. 

- And then, at the very end, you wished me good luck and hoped I was well. And all of a sudden, I went, “awwww!” I literally “awwwww”d. THAT’S the response everyone wants. See? I know you’re charming and have great manners and that adults love you. Now you’ve just got to prove it to everyone else. You can still be a bad boy and a sweetheart. One of my favorite exes was from down South and a complete Southern gentlemen complete with holding doors and asking me ever-so-politely in his Southern drawl if I would spend the night, and even though it was our first date, I did. You know why? Because he asked politely. He smoked weed, he would argue with professors when he didn’t agree with a point in class, and he flirted with everyone and their grandmother, but he was polite, and girl’s panties always fell off around him. THAT’S what I envision being able to happen for you. No, fuck it, that’s what I WANT to happen for you! Now let’s make OkStupid your bitch!


P.S— I really understand why other women hate me. I really do.

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July 9, 2012

I just spontaneously lost my entire protein intake for the day on your pics. Thanks. You’re paying for drinks when we go out.

- A message on OkC one of my friends received. As disgusting as this may seem to some women, I actually find it more hilarious and endearing in its candidness than anything else.


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July 16, 2012

Things To Distract Yourself From Long Distance:

Let’s face it— having a long-distance lover can be hard. It’s like being single with a side-order of having yourself constantly be reminded that the person you’d like to be with is not actually in the same state. There’s some weird “Yay, being independent and not having to share my bed is great!” moments interspersed with bouts of extreme sexual frustration and semi-shitty solo orgasms that make you want to cry, and not in a good way. You see these couples walking hand-in-hand down the street and when they kiss you just want to interject yourself bodily between them and say, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FRUSTRATED AND LONELY THAT MAKES ME WHEN THE PERSON I WANT TO SMOTHER WITH MY AFFECTION IS A ZILLION MILES AWAY?! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT?! GET A FUCKING ROOM, PERVERTS!!!” I get it. Believe me, I get it. Which is why I have learned to appreciate the little things in day-to-day life that get you through until you can see your Captain of the Loveboat again. Some of them are really awesome and I mean them sincerely. Others are totally just part of being a lazy semi-single girl whose lover just happens to never be around, but I also mean those sincerely. Whatever your issue is, I’ve got some ways to solve your LDR blues:

1.) Do your fucking Kegels every day. I know this may not sound like the rollicking good time that one can have while the cat’s away and mice could theoretically be playing, but let me remind of two things; A, these are the muscles that are going to keep you from having to wear Depends by the time you’re 65 and prone to pissing yourself during laughing fits, and B, doing them will not only make you tighter down there, but will also give your vagina the ability to hold onto him for DEAR LIFE next time y’all can get together to do the horizontal no-pants-dance, which will blow. his. mind. This is totally valid. Clench and release those muscles for 10 minutes a day. Become a sex-beast at it and work your way up to being able to pulse or hold a clench for 30 seconds. Send him babbling to the ER after he loses circulation to his cock if you must. Next.

2.) You don’t have to shave regularly. This may seem totally gross to some men reading this, but you know what? I am not sleeping with you, and if you ARE the person I’m sleeping with, rest assured I have the date I’ll see you next marked on the calendar with little doodles of hearts and condoms around it, and I will be as clean-shaven as a porn star and as smooth as a totally fuckable chick’s bottom when I see you. Depending on how long your stints solo are, there are all sorts of interesting periods to go through: the itchy Just-Growing-Out-So-Please-Excuse-Me-While-I-Grope-Myself-Down-There-To-Relieve-The-Sensation phase, the ’70s Bush (not George), the National Forest trust, and my personal favorite, the Grizzly Bear. I know it’s summer and therefore, a bikini line and shaved legs may be on your list of priorities, but I’m a blonde who doesn’t really grow body hair and is flirting with the idea of being a naturalist hippie, so I just refuse to GAF until I can give myself the perfect, silken, ingrown-free shave in 11 days. Because, let’s face it— you always get the best, closest, most pain-free shave when there’s more hair than skin to work with. Nobody enjoys having the stupid little red bumps down there that make less experienced men worry needlessly about herpes because THEY have never tried to shave their balls before to figure out what they are.

3.) Work out. This is not about respecting your body and being healthy and blah blah blah. This is about putting yourself through intense physical pain while your sweetheart isn’t around to hear you whimper like a sissy and witness you having to hold onto the walls and gradually lower yourself down onto the toilet in the span of 5 minutes like a very horrifying flash-forward of what living with you when you’re 92 would be like. Hopefully, they’ll be dead before that would really happen, because NO ONE deserves to have to see that ungainly shit. This is also about being ridiculously, ridiculously fit and good-looking the next time your lover sees you naked. Onward to less vain things!

4.) Volunteer for something to do a good deed AND keep yourself occupied. You don’t think I’m volunteering for Solarfest sheerly out of the goodness of my heart, do you? No. I’m volunteering out of the goodness of my heart because I love the festival and its people and also because it will give me three days of having a purpose where I would normally have free time that I would spend pining and sighing like a moody teenage girl who has never gotten laid and is waiting for Billy to call her on another lonely, insanely boring Friday night. Do you know what I will be doing THIS Friday night instead? Being in a drum circle around a massive pyrotechnic bonfire, trying not to get my ass burned. So much better. Keeping busy this way will also guareentee that you have some great stories and excitement to share next time you see each other, like when he asks what you did last Friday or when you have to explain how you got that bongo-shaped burn on your ass.

5.) Go for a hike. It’s summer. The weather is gorgeous. The trails are being well-maintained. People’s excitement to be outside is infectious. Plus, when you’re sweating and watching squirrel’s mating rituals and admiring the scenery from on top of a mountain you JUST DEFEATED, FUCK YEAH!, it’s hard to spend all of your time mentally calculating the hours and minutes until you get to hold their adorable face between your hands again and kiss the ever-living shit out of them. Take a photo of the panorama. Send it to them. They’ll be impressed at your Queen-of-the-Mountain prowess. Also, studies have proven that getting out into sunlit-dappled wooded areas makes your brain produce more serotonin, which aides both depressed feelings and makes you feel happier. So this tip is actually something for your mental health so you don’t drive yourself bat-shit crazy.

6.) Don’t talk/text/Skype every day. I know this may seem a little odd to be telling you to NOT talk to your S.O to get closer to them, but you tell me how exciting this conversation sounds: “Hey babe, how was your day?” “It was fine. Worked from 10 ‘til 4. It was really slow. Now I’m eating this microwave lasagna for one I picked up at the grocery store. What about yours?” “Remember that client that I told you I hate? Yeah, he came in today. So how’s your roommate?” “Same old, same old…they’re using my deodorant again and I hate that.” Yeah, so I just fell asleep. After I poke you awake, I’m going to ask you if it isn’t better to just contact each other when something good happens or when you really want to have some deep, meaningful conversation or a particularly spontaneous sext-session, instead.

7.) This is Tumblr. We all find/see/search out beautifully filthy images and GIFs of porn and sex acts every day. Save some of the better ones, and send them to your honey. Because really, what says “I’m going to fuck you until you forget your own name” better than a moving image of a cock going into someone’s mouth or a woman screaming and writhing with getting penetrated? That’s my sort of romance!

8.) Inevitably, something will happen or be seen that reminds you of an inside joke or hobby or favorite thing. Or maybe, you see something really pretty and want to share it (see: hiking scenery, porn). Snap a pic of it with your ever-present cell phone and send it to them. Who doesn’t love getting random, pertinent, “just saw this and thought of you!” messages? They’re adorable. They show that you know the nuances and quirks of someone’s character. I know I do. I love being thought of. See? Bitches love being thought of.

9.) Paint your nails; organize your closet; pack and unpack and repack until you have a suitcase of a size and weight that is actually acceptable by the rest of humanity WITHOUT a vagina so you don’t scare the poor bloke when you show up looking like you’re about to move in; see #2 above and shave the day before.

10.) This is your perfect opportunity to be the world’s best Wing Woman for your friends. Scratch that— this is the perfect opportunity to be the world’s best friend. Go out with your girls. Catch up with your dudes and invite them over for a homemade dinner, because believe me, you are going to be DYING for male company. Return calls that are months old that you’ve been putting off. Check in with your family members to make sure no one’s died while you’ve been angst-ing about the miles. And because you’re probably not meeting anyone who you prefer to your long-distance lovah, feel free to flirt ruthlessly, hone your skills, and help your friends get laid, too. There’s nothing better than spreading the love. Unless, of course, it’s spreading your legs when you finally get to see your LDL again.

Happy time-wasting!


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