If anyone knew how much I really talk to my cat about my relationships and compare him to the other men in my life and their all-inclusive malcontentedness, I would be in serious trouble.
I'm the book that beat the speed-reader, and I'm the card the dealers won't touch. And it's just not true I'm a man-eater; all the same, we should probably go dutch.
The things you pick up as you go.
As we’ve all probably noted by now, I’ve got a little bit of an entrepreneurial bend…mostly because I’m always strapped for cash. So it should be no surprise that I’ve just come up with my latest money-making endeavor, namely— breeding my cat.
Yeah, I know, this seems like a terrible idea, but let me count the ways in which choosing to breed my Nicco (that’s Nicolai La Citta to those breeders of you out there who like a nice, long, and impressive show name,) to your little lady-cat would actually be an awesome decision:
- As evidenced by the photos above, he has a sterling disposition. Hand-raised by me since he was a month old, Nicco’s got a really go-with-the-flow personality. You can literally do anything with this cat— hold him upside-down, toss him, perch him on your shoulder like a parrot, force-cuddle him…scratching and biting don’t come naturally to him, so the chance of having mailable kittens is pretty good.
- He’s highly personable and interactive. Unlike most cats, he won’t run and hide, and in fact, is exceptionally needy. He craves human interaction and is always up in your biznazz, wanting to be included in things. (In many aspects, he’s very much like a dog.) He’s always the life of our parties, greeting everyone and crawling into laps. In fact, the only person he’s ever not truly enjoyed was the guy I’ve been seeing…Nicco’s kingly enough to assume that he should be the only man sleeping in my bed.
- Our vet tells us he’s partially Siamese, which accounts for the fact that he’s highly talkative. If you mimic his meows and yowls back to him, he’ll engage you in a full-on conversation. He’s got a diverse and interesting variety of vocal noises, from a roll in the back of his throat like an old-fashioned telephone ring, to a high-pitched yelp he makes while yawning.
- Born of humble beginnings, his highly distinctive coat markings really stand out. His brown base-coat is accented with heavy and dark black tiger stripes, and silver tips. The fur on his belly has a unique “snow leopard print” with round rosettes…something I’ve never seen on any other domestic short-hair tiger.
- While I’ve watched him run into walls, he’s also intelligent enough to know several voice commands, and a few tricks. Hopefully, his highly teachable mindset would be passed down to his offspring.
- Nicco’s best friends are the neighbor’s dogs, and he’ll play with them as if he’s one of them. (He’s a brave little dude.) He’s interacted with lady-cats before, and is DEFINITELY looking for some springtime lovin’, if his crying at the front door lately is of any indication. An indoor cat strictly, Nicco is pampered, exercised, and in prime condition, with not an ounce of fat, and sharp senses.
- Weighing in at roughly 7 pounds, Nicco is fully-grown and in healthy weight, yet is what we refer to as a “miniature cat.” He and his mother are the same size, and his father (a longhair, so that may give some recessive longhair traits to his offspring,) isn’t much larger. This is the perfect size cat for apartment living, or for children, since “minature cats” look exactly like a fully-grown, regular size cat, but are on a child’s size scale.
- While I am not promising anything, here, I am allergic to cats with high dander concentration, and I’ve never gotten so much as a sniffle from Nicco, not even when he used to sleep on my head as a kitten. (He really did.)
$$$ While no cat is really “free”— believe me, I got Nicco for free, and $600 worth of vet bills later to have him vaccinated, checked out, hydrated, and tested, he’s now my "Manolo Cat"— and adopting a kitten from the shelter or vet’s can cost anywhere from $25 to $100, and purebreds from breeders can cost from $500 up to $1,000, why don’t you decide to breed with Nicco, get the looks, attitude, and vocal chords of a really fun pet, and only spend $150 for stud fees, on guarantee of live young? That’s a STEAL for such a package! $$$
So now that I’ve convinced all y’all that not only am I very, VERY bored, but also a crazy young cat woman, tell me— if you had a lady cat and wanted kittens, would you bite for my little stud-muffin?
….In all seriousness, now, how’s THAT for an example of creative/technical writing and the sort of sample a writer can just whip the fuck up? See, you can write about ANYTHING.
My little baby just killed his first mouse today and left it as a gift for me on the kitchen floor. A.) I’m really glad he knows where the food is prepared, and B.) GROWING UP (crazy catwoman sobs of joy and pain).
…When I lived in the city I was not like this. Close, by not quite.
next level!. for real too.. check out grown up Frank/Louie here.. gobsmacked…
The best part is that this kitten is still alive, and seems to be healthy and functioning normally! Honestly, I know a lot of people will think of this as a freak-show attraction, but a happy, healthy little two-headed cat would be something I completely wouldn’t mind having, at all.
I call this one…the Single Girl Dinner.
That’s also a 22 ounce bottle, just to be clear. Because nothing says “I will die alone and then my 62 cats will feast on my cold corpse” like more fluid ounces.
Currently force-snuggling my cat while cooing in a baby-talk voice at him, “Awwww, are you mad because now you have mommy-cooties on you? MOMMY-COOTIES, MOMMY-COOTIES!”
I am going to die alone, with 62 cats.
Looking at more cats. I think the end is near.
Her name is Carrie. As in, Sex and the City. Ergo, I think she is meant to be mine. And Nicco’s. Nicco’s child cat-bride.
…Definitely near the end.